


Lost Smile

by oreo_vampire



Category: Haikyuu!!
Genre: Abusive Relationships, Alternate Universe, Break Up, Coach Oikawa, Cute Sugawara Koushi/ Oikawa Tooru, Fluff and Angst, Gaslighting, Happy Ending, M/M, Mental Breakdown, Oikawa knows it better, Past Relationship(s), Self-Esteem Issues, Self-Hatred, Slow Burn, Teacher Sugawara Koushi, daichi is an asshole, depressed Koushi, everday life, healthy relationship vs unhealthy relationship, long way to go, possesive Daichi, tagging to get attention, the fluff comes at the end
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-02-07
Updated: 2017-08-07
Packaged: 2018-09-22 18:30:04
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Rape/Non-Con
Chapters: 9
Words: 32,412
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/9619931
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/oreo_vampire/pseuds/oreo_vampire
Summary: "I will never let you go again." Daichi whispered,  running his thump along Koushi´s lower lip. Suga thought he had escaped his past. But then he mets him again, the man who stole his smile.containing:a caring Oikawaa troubled Koushia scheming Daichisome pics from ch 4 onwards





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Warning: The Daichi depicted in this fic is out of character (being violent etc.)

It felt like everything around him slowed down to an abnormal, horrible almost stagnant pace.

“Koushi?” A too familiar warm voice called out for him. It was the special sound of voice he always used on Koushi, when they were still an item.

_No. This can´t be. No.No. No. How dare he calls out to me so nonchalantly._

Stopping dead in his tracks Koushi unwillingly, but automatically turned his head to the source of the deep voice just showing the very same reaction of someone who had been told explicitly not to look, but did it exactly because of this remark.

_Daichi._

A flood of memories washed over Koushi in the second their eyes met. He felt like drowning in the deep, cold sea of his mind. The train station was busy like every day at this kind of hour. People flooded the passageways, no one stopping, no one interested in the ones around him, always keeping check with the thing called time.

Daichi was standing about 30 feet away at a newsstand and realizing that the person he called out for was really Koushi, he made his way through the stream of people, who were busy getting on the train. Passing by all kind of ages he almost swept a girl, whose eyes were glued to her golden mobile phone display, off her feet. He was one arm length away from Koushi, who was still unable to move, being held captive by all different kinds of emotions he didn´t even know how to name. A kid, probably a high schooler, bumped into Koushi, who blocked the way by standing all dressed up and with nowhere to go, bringing him back to his senses. Not casting a second glance at Daichi Koushi started running. Again. Like he did two years ago.

The adrenaline pumped through his veins making him hear his own blood rushing through it. How long did he run? He had no clue, but he was panting heavily making a mental note for himself to do some workouts in the future, which he would not do, he could tell. Trying to stabilize his breath Suga analyzed the situation. He bumped into Daichi today this means it could happen again and it can definitely not happen again.

 

 

Bitting his lip Koushi was looking with a slightly crooked grin at the boxes in front of him, pleased by his work. His eyes had gotten dark circles from the two consecutive sleepless nights where he tried to pack all his belongings into these boxes representing his life. He had to move out of the city to a place where he wouldn´t meet him. Fukuoka or Sapporo he wasn´t picky about that. Quitting his job would be the hardest thing to do because he really enjoyed his work as teacher something that can´t be taken for granted in the modern field of work. But he will find something new. Maybe something better, he murmured to himself. Those words were all lies he had to tell to himself not to break down.

To be honest he wasn´t the slightest bit interested in Daichi or any guy in the beginning, but Dachi did all those little wonderful things that made his heart melt. In their 3rd year at Karasuno High Daichi started to make advances to win Koushi´s heart over, which resulted in Daichi becoming the first person he would talk to, when he felt troubled. Daichi would always drop everything behind to meet him, sitting right next to him, just staying by his side, waiting for him to speak up or distracting him with his punishment ideas for the untamable first years. This guy could make all his worries go away in an instant and not only that Daichi made everything seem to be brighter than it really was.

They became a couple and after graduation it was needless to say that they would attend the same university and share an apartment. Koushi adored Daichi, who made him feel like he was the only person in the world that ever matters. He is sure that there will never be anyone he loves more. Even after all what happened. The memories of his time with Daichi warmed him up from inside, but at the same time teared him apart. It has been two years of struggling until he finally had built himself a life free from chains that bounded him to his ex-boyfriend. Sitting now on the sofa in his apartment, holding his head in his hands sighing, he realized that it was still Daichi, who had the control over his life.

 

 

Like always Koushi was sitting on the rooftop of the school building during the break, arms folding before him, doing his breathing exercises, when the rooftop door suddenly flew open accompanied by a singsong voice calling out his name.

“Yoohoo, Kou-chan found you!” Koushi could feel a person´s shadow casting over him.

“I can´t believe you didn´t wait for me at the teacher´s lounge. You of all people being mean to me. To ME! Do you even understand that this could affect our friendship severely? In a very negative way, I have to say.”

Koushi had already sent out inquiries for possible apartments. All he could do now was waiting. He would write his resignation letter today.

“Hey, are you by any chance sleeping?”

_Definitely not, when you are non-stop chirping like some canary._

The body got into motion and Koushi could feel it positioning itself next to him. He could feel the warmth of the person next to him, who was suddenly blowing “Kou-chan ～♪” into his ear.

“Not my ear Tooru!” Protecting his left ear with his hand, Koushi jumped to his feet. A flashing smile showed up on Oikawa Tooru´s face for his achievement of getting Koushi´s full attention.

When he started working as teacher at this high school he was quite surprised that Oikawa Tooru was coaching the kids here in volleyball. Oikawa and him were volleyball rivals back in high school and they never talked with each other outside the court, but they quickly warmed up with each other, because of their similar backgrounds. And of course because Oikawa could not deny anyone including Koushi his outstanding, brilliant and pleasant presence.

“Where is your food? Did you already finish eating?”

“Did not bring any, because I am not hungry.” It was true he wasn´t. Since he had, met Daichi two days ago, he had lost his appetite completely and he hated wasting food.

“Nope. NUH-UH.” Shaking his head Oikawa stood also up and handed Koushi a Bentobox over.

“Be grateful for I am such a great friend sharing my food with you. I got an extra bento from one of the female teachers.”

“Honestly Tooru, thank you, but I am not hungry.” Koushi tried to decline the food with thanks holding his hands up in a gesture of refusal.

Suddenly he could feel a hand pulling on his shirt lifting it up to his chest.

“You are not eating properly Kou-chan. Your ribs are showing, which is not healthy. And unsightly. You are a grown-up man, who should know how to take care of himself. ”

Hearing those words made Koushi´s body cringe. He went stiff for a moment slapping the hands away that reached out for him. He knew Oikawa meant no harm saying these words just showing his concerns for him, but it resulted in turning his face into the colour of embarrassment. The words stung in his heart like needles reminding him that he is still on his way getting his life on the right tracks.

“I am not feeling well. I´ll be going home,” were the only words he managed to mumble, stomping with swift steps to the staircase.

He let himself be dismissed since his classes for today already ended. He was passing by the school entrance, when someone stopped him by grabbing his arm.

_Dammit Tooru I just want to be alone._

“Got you.”

The weight on his arm increased and the air left his lungs and did not come back.

“You are still hard to catch Koushi.”

He tried to free his arm, but Daichi's grip was firm and didn’t budge one centimeter.

_What the hell was Daichi doing at his high school?_

Smiling softly Daichi said “Where are we going to have a proper conversation? I think I deserve at least a proper talk with you, don’t I?”

The mood changed, Koushi could feel it, he could almost touch the thick, severe vibes emitting from Daichi. They were in public, so maybe he was able to make a run in the right moment. He looked around him, searching for a possible escape route, when he could feel a hand reaching for his pockets.

“Look at you,” Daichi got hold of his wallet, fishing his ID card out of it, “even after two years you still look gorgeous.” Studying the ID card letting his eyes go up and down scanning the information on it, Daichi continued “So this is where you live now. _Without_ me.” Koushi swallowed hard.

“Please give it back Daichi.” Suga could feel his voice trembling, not only his voice but his also his hands were shaking.

“Here I was thinking you went mute.” Suga could hear a slightly angered tone in Daichi´s voice expressing itself in talking an octave deeper than he usual did.

“I am relieved since I really like hearing your voice, especially when you are crying out for me.”

Koushi´s body started shaking violently.

_Oh no, not now._

Koushi could feel an intense wave of fear rising up inside of him. The schoolyard, the street and Daichi started spinning and he felt like throwing up. His heart was hammering against his chest, faster and faster resulting in him breathing rather quick in shallow pants. He clutched his sweaty fingers into Daichi´s arm, not worried about leaving bruises for he did not want Daichi seeing him crumble, falling on the ground. Trying to make him feel comfortable Daichi put his free arm around Koushi´s trembling body. Stroking his hair gently like he did a hundred times before, Daichi calmly hushed him.

“I am here for you Koushi. Everything is fine. You are okay. Hear me? You are okay.” Tilting Koushi´s face with his hand, forcing him to look him directly in the eye; he began caressing Koushi´s cheek with his thump, whispering to him he should adjust his breathing to his.

“That´s good Koushi, you are doing great. Breath in. Hold it. Longer. Now breathe out. Like me.” It´s has been a long time since Koushi had a panic attack. Usually he was able to calm himself easily, but right now he felt a huge pain in the chest and a numbness taking over his whole body making Daichi the pillar that holds him, preventing him from collapsing.

“I won´t let you go ever again, I promise.” Daichi whispered,  running his thump along Koushi´s lower lip. A kiss was being placed lightly on Kouhi´s forehead and he could see his world turning dark again.


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Daichi tries to force his way back into Koushi´s life.

Steps were echoing in the hallway, one pair reluctant and cautious, the other one heavy and steady, their tempo getting slower and slower and coming to halt in front of the door with the number 401. Daichi unlocked the door with the key he confiscated from Koushi together with his wallet and phone with a swift movement, indicating Koushi whose eyes were nervously looking from left to right mouth slightly opened as if he was debating with himself if he should shout for help, to enter first.  Hanging his coat up Suga could feel Daichis eyes on him observing every one of his movements.

 

“You changed your hairstyle. It looks good but I prefer your natural hair colour and longer hair. It suits you far more. I was always able to make you out easily in a crowd. How about changing it back?” He reached out for Koushi´s hair who could see Daichi´s movement in the reflection of the mirror in the hall making him quickly whirling around to avoid his touch. He didn´t want Daichi to see that he was anxious of touching him that´s why he pretended he turned around to demand Daichi´s jacket.

 

“I think I could need your help there.”

 

_You are doing this on purpose._

 

Helping him out of his jacket Koushi tried to make as little body contact as possible.

 

“You smell nice.”

 

His body stiffened for a moment and he turned his head away flustered. Suddenly Koushi could feel Daichi´s tongue licking gently over his left ear lobe. He shrieked, searching for shelter he pressed his body against the right corner of the hall leading to the living room and kitchen. Daichi looked pleased.

 

“It still hasn´t change Koushi. Your weak point.”

 

Daichi passed Koushi by, making his way to the living room like he owned this apartment, his gaze shortly lingering over the moving boxes piled up next to the television, making himself comfortable on the sofa.

 

“Spartan furnishing, very nice.”

 

Daichi couldn´t see Koushi out of the living room. He wouldn´t notice him leaving the apartment until it was too late. He had his hand already on the doorknob when the words out of Daichi´s mouth made him stop in mid-motion.

 

“You remember the kid who ran into you at the train station?” Suga remembered bumping into someone but he couldn´t come up with a face.

 

“Seems like he is one of your students.”

 

_What is he getting at?_

 

“He said 'Wasn´t that sensei?'  when he bumped into you. Seeing it was useless to chase after you I questioned him a bit about his sensei. He was a really talkative one. I really have to thank him for bringing you back to me. Maybe I should treat him to some lunch.”

 

“Don´t you dare go near my students ever again!“ Uttering the words with an aggression even Koushi was surprised by himself he rushed towards Daichi his fists clenched to the point his knuckles turned white. Daichi didn´t like it when he got loud but he didn´t care anymore if Daichi got mad. He would never let anyone harm one of his students. But Daichi didn´t get angry, he held his hands up revealing open, empty palms.

 

 “Relax Koushi. Why are you getting so worked up for over a small thing like that? I won´t do anything you´re upset with. How about you make some tea?”

 

“Talk. That´s why you forced your way into my apartment, right?”

 

"What are you talking about? We agreed to have a conversation didn´t we?”

_Did he agree to talk with Daichi?_ Koushi couldn´t remember anymore.

 

“I think I can do better when I get a cup of tea. Yeah, to warm up?”

 

Hands positioned before his chest, radiating discomfort, Koushi stood with his back facing the entrance door before his ex-boyfriend. Daichi chuckled, a sound setting Koushi´s stomach upside down.

 

“Fine, no tea. Sit next to me, will you? It´s hard to talk when you´re standing there with your defensive attitude not even making eye contact.”  Daichi reached out his hand touching delicately Koushi´s arms trying to disentangle them. Koushi shoved his hand away but Daichi got hold on his right arm this time not letting go so easily.

 

“Are you frightened of me? Is that what it´s all about?”

 

Koushi clenched his teeth he was sure Daichi could see the cold sweet running down his face. He freed his arm, turning around when Daichi again got hold of him. His face moved so close to his that he could see his own reflection in Daichi´s eyes.

 

“You don´t have to be. I forgive you.” Koushi could feel a strong hand starting to caress his cheek.

 

“Wh-, Why would I need your forgiveness?” He stammered indignantly eyes wide with disbelief.

 

“You left me. Two years ago when I came back from work, your stuff was gone including you. Even though you promised me to never leave me. You didn´t even leave a note. I was worried sick. Do you even know how terrible that was for me?”

 

The decision to go hadn´t been easy for Koushi but back at that time Daichi had become unpredictable and it has scared the shit out of Koushi. He didn´t have any strength left to go through something like this again.

 

“Give me ba-, back my wallet and the key and then leave. You have no right to, to…”

 

“I´m your boyfriend.” Daichi´s words cut through the air like a knife and Koushi could see that Daichi was being serious. He had to do something about this situation.

 

“You´re not my boyfriend! We broke up!”

 

“Where did you get a crazy idea like that? When did we break up? You just left me without saying a word and despite that I have no interest in ending our relationship. I love you Koushi but you are really trying my patience. I saw that something has been bothering you two years ago but you didn´t want talk to me about it. I tried, I really did but you barely spoke to me at all.”

 

_It was true. Koushi distanced himself from Daichi but Daichi also had been barely home at that time._

 

“Whatever it was I hope you used this two years to get over it. You are not a child anymore, running away doesn´t solve your problems.”

 

_He was right. Conflicts don´t just disappear. Maybe it wasn´t the right decision to just leave but at that time he couldn´t think of anything else._

 

Daichi leaned in and gave Suga a soft kiss on the cheek.

 

“But now I´m here. We can work things out. You can talk to me about anything.” He seated Koushi on the sofa not letting go of his hand and also sat down.

 

“You know it was really difficult for me when you ran away. You didn´t let anybody know about your disappearance. Every time your friends or family called I had to smile and tell them that everything was all right. You could have been dead for Christ’s sake and I told everybody you were doing fine! I even phoned all nearby hospitals to confirm you weren´t involved in any accident.”

 

_He really did that?_

 

Daichi´s thump began stroking Koushi´s hand. He looked hurt.

 

“I really need to know why Koushi. Why did you leave me?”

 

_Why? Was he seriously asking why? Did he forget everything that happened?_

 

“You were always fooling around with girls saying how pretty they are. And you even came home with lipstick on your face reeking of perfume. When we had a date you would ignore me always looking down on your phone texting with someone else. Sometimes you even didn´t turn up for our date. Every time I called you, you didn´t pick up your phone. When I wanted to talk with you about it you refused to talk to me. And you always tried to control everything I did and when you were angry because I did something stupid again you...”

 

“Are you sure Koushi? You tend to have a bad memory.” 

_What?_

 

“No, you did meet these girls!” Daichi´s sigh was unmistakable. He looked at Koushi with pity in his eyes.

 

“This means you never believed in me then. Oh Koushi, I did meet up sometimes with a girl out of courtesy but you should have known that you are the only person I want to be with. And about the other things you mentioned, you sure have an overactive imagination.”

 

“I am making some tea.” Koushi stood up. His mind was blank. What was he doing? He should kick Daichi out of his apartment but instead he is in the kitchen making tea for him. The water boiled and Koushi reached for two cups in the cupboard. One of the cups slipped his hand and smashed into pieces the same state Koushi´s brain seemed to be in.

 

“You are always clumsily Koushi.” Hearing the cracking sound Daichi had made his way into the kitchen bending down, helping Koushi to clean the mess up.

 

“How did you even manage to live without me?” Koushi bit his lip. He could swear his eyes were beginning to get teary. His breath was getting unsteady and his body began trembling. He could barely manage putting the shards into the trash bin. He was a mess.

 

_If I spend any more time with him I´m sure I´m going insane._

 

“You were lonely, right? And hurt? Because you thought I didn´t love you? I´m sorry Koushi.”

 

“! I don´t want to hear your apologies! You hurt me too much! I can´t trust you anymore! I don´t want to be together with you Daichi!”

 

BAAM.

 

Koushi´s world turned black for a moment and when the lights turned on again he found himself lying on the kitchen floor, the familiar taste of iron in his mouth.

 

“Come on. You really can´t take a hit can you?” He lifted Koushi with great care and he could feel Daichi´s tightly packed muscles. He needed to get out of the apartment but his head hurt so much, he couldn´t think straight.

 

“Hey, did you do it with anyone else?”

 

“Wha-, no!”

 

“And why is that?”

 

“I don´t understand the question.” Koushi had difficulties to speak.

 

“You love me right? That´s why you didn´t have another partner. That´s why you even didn´t tell your mother you broke up with me.”

 

He loved Daichi but…

 

“We could be happy Koushi. Why don´t you want to be happy?”

 

he was frightened of him.

 

_No, don´t look at me with those love drunk eyes. Those eyes are killing me._

 

Daichi brought him to the sofa, bent down and kissend him. His mouth biting into him until his tongue was licking against his. Koushi didn´t return the kiss but he also couldn´t pull away. He started to run a hand along Koushi´s side. With his other hand he laced his fingers through Koushi´s lightly grasping them. There was a dizzyng sensation coming from Koushi´s head. Daichi´s grip was getting tighter.

 

“Daichi, wai-…” he didn´t finish his sentence.

 

“Shhhh—“, hushed Daichi. Koushi tried to mobilise his strength to move away from Daichi.

 

“Where do you think you are going?” He pushed Koushi grabbing his shoulders into the sofa.

 

“Ah.”

 

“You want to be away from me so desperately? You want to run away again? Okay, do it. Go.”

 

The love he could feel moments ago coming from Daichi was swept away within seconds replaced by nothing but coldness. Koushi didn´t move.

 

_If I go will he hurt me again? Is he testing me?_

 

 “But let me make clear: Once you leave I won´t be chasing you ever again. I will leave you. You will be all alone.”

 

_Why can´t it be like it used to be? Like that time when Daichi woke up in the middle of night for him to get some medicine, or the time when he massaged Koushi´s legs when they were sore from their volleyball training, the time when…_

 

“You are not going? Is that your final answer? You won´t leave me?”

 

Koushi was scared. He was confused. He didn´t know what to do.

 

“Yeah.”

 

Daichi leaned in for another kiss and Koushi knew that he wanted to go all the way but he couldn´t. Not today. He started crying like a little child.

 

“Daichi, no. Not today, please,” sobbing Koushi layed his hands around Daichi face.

 

“I beg you.” For a terrible long moment Daichi stared at Koushi´s tearstained face, thinking, finally letting go.

 

“I won´t force you Koushi. You seem tired, better rest. I´ll call you sick tomorrow.”

 

He rested Koushi´s head in his lap.

 

“Let´s see if we can find something on the TV to watch. Maybe there is a show featuring manzai. You always liked that.”


	3. Chapter 3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Oikawa remembers meeting Koushi for the first time after graduatin from High School

Oikawa had to admit that sharp stinging pain in his heart. It hurt him being separated from his family and friends even though he never was lacking company here in Tokyo. He spent his free time calling, texting and messaging, even went home once every two months for a weekend but it just wasn´t the same. He loved his job at the Japan Volleyball Association (JVA), that´s why he came to Tokyo and he volunteered his time coaching kids in volleyball a thing he had done since high school but still he was lonely.

 

One day when he entered the gym he could see one of the teachers standing on the side line watching the children warm up.

 

_Ugh, I bet he played volleyball in school and came here to wallow in memories. Kay, let´s get over with the small talk._

 

“Hello there,” he said approaching the teacher who jumped by the touch of Oikawa´s hand on his shoulder.

 

“They have done great so far in their matches. A little bit more training and they could win the upcoming winter tournament,” he stated.

 

_He is really skinny for a former volleyball player._

 

“When the Grand King says so it has to be true.”

 

_Grand King?_

 

“I´m looking forward to it.” Koushi said his eyes following one of the volleyballs which got not over the net.

 

_Wait, I know this face._

Oikawa´s brain was skimming trough hundreds of faces stored in his memory. 

 

_Ah, I got it._

_It´s the indomitable Karasuno setter._

 

That setter had left quite an impression on him, not because of his skills, no, his movements were generic he didn´t even compare to Tobio-chan, one of his former kouhais, rather because of his approach to the team dynamic on the field. He even was given a nickname by Oikawa: Refreshing-kun. Oikawa loved to tease, to provoke and rile people up and he was grateful for every opportunity to do so.

 

In his sweetest voice he asked “Do I know you?” He remembered Refreshing-kun to be the diligent and courteous type.

 

“Uhm, yes, well, I don´t know. Our high schools played a few matches against each other. I was a member of the Karasuno High volleyball team.”

 

“Oh, Tobio-chan´s team? What was your name again?”

 

“I´m Sugawara Koushi. Nice to meet you Oikawa-san.”

 

_Let´s push a little bit more._

 

“Right, the 3rd year bench warmer.” Refreshing-kun was looking at him nodding not showing any signs of frustration, anger or humiliation on his face.

 

_How boring._

“What are you doing here in Tokyo Kou-chan?”

 

Koushi took his sweet time to answer Oikawa's question. Much to Oikawa's annoyance he even was saying something almost impressive.

 

“I´m just trying to be there for my students, I guess. Making them see that there is someone who cares about them. Showing them how to respect and interact with each other. Something like that. Oh, I´m sorry I was babbling I didn´t want to keep you from work. I´ll be going. It was nice to meet you again Oikawa-san.”

 

Oikawa narrowed his eyes in suspicion his gaze was following the former setter leaving the gym. Something was different about him, he thought, in comparison to his high school days but he couldn´t explain what it was.

 

He saw Koushi now and then in the teacher´s lounge always surrounded by paperwork or talking with one of the students. He still didn´t know what it was that was bothering him about Koushi and so chatted with the people from school to get some more information about him. Oikawa interrogated students and staff members about Koushi and the overall reactions were all positive including words like “supportive”, “reliable” or “attentive”. Oikawa knew beforehand that being a teacher would suit Koushi. Back at his high school days he saw that he was always bringing out the best in every one of his team members, giving them advice and encouraging them. Oikawa really would have liked to take part in one of his classes. But a thing that surprised him was that Koushi seemed to be some kind of a loner. He always thought the setter was pretty cheerful but he turned out to be the quiet type according to his colleagues. It also occurred to Oikawa that Koushi did his best to hide his good looks wearing unfavorable clothes and so on as if he wanted to not attract any attention to himself.

 

 

It was break time and Oikawa was on his way to the rooftop to relax a bit before the training was starting. He was surprised finding the door unlocked.

 

“Oikawa-san.” Oikawa turned around looking at the owner of the voice.

 

“Kou-chan what a nice surprise. A teacher breaking the school rules nonchalantly by sitting unauthorized on the school rooftop.”

 

“I'm sorry, I didn´t want to destroy your good image of me.”

 

“I never had a good impression of you to begin with.”

 

“Good to hear.”

 

“Do you often come here?”

 

“I do. It´s how to say: good for regaining a peace of mind.”

 

“Don´t tell me Kou-chan is stressed out because of a bunch of kids.”

 

“It´s not like that. Are you here because of that?”

 

 _Is he mocking me back?_ Oikawa was startled at those words but he found his composure back in no time.

 

“I´m sorry I could barely hear you. I guess your voice is just too small and quietly. What did you say?”

 

“I kind of get the feeling that you are looking at me as if I'm your fiend or rival.”

 

“Aren´t you?”

 

“No, not anymore. And by the way when you are seeing in every human an enemy you will be non-stop in war with them and yourself. But if you take your time and try get to know the people around you they will bring you happiness and when you look deep enough, you will find something familiar in them. It´s hard to do but it enhances your life. And it also will make you feel less alone.”

 

“Are you by any chance lecturing me Kou-chan?”

 

“You noticed, good boy. I´m a teacher after all.”

 

No one dared to lecture him except for Iwa-chan his best friend because Oikawa was flawless or so he thought.

 

 

 

After their meeting on the rooftop Koushi came from time to time to chat with him. It annoyed him somehow. It had to stop. He was not interested to get any friendlier with him.

 

“Oikawa-san, do you want by any chance eat lunch together?” He was holding a bag with food in his hand.

 

“What are you stalking me Kou-chan? Don´t you have any other colleagues or friends to have lunch with? I´m busy.” Koushi was surprised by Oikawa´s sudden coldness towards him.

 

“Don´t tell me I´m your first love and now you believe that fate had brought us together again?”

 

“Ah, no…I…” Koushi was looking to the ground his shoulders slouched.  

 

_He´s feeling uncomfortable. Good._

 

“I guess I felt just lonely.”

 

_Huh?_

 

“Seeing a familiar face makes me feel less lonely I guess.”

 

Oikawa wanted to laugh at him but he couldn´t. When someone was telling you honestly about his true feelings you shouldn´t laugh.

 

 “You know Oikawa-san, you´re sometimes arrogant and showy but I like spending time with you because you have a good heart.”

 

_I hurt him and now he is complimenting me?_

 

“I didn´t want to bother you Oikawa-san, I´m sorry. I´ll take my leave then.”

 

Oikawa probably had a feeling of pity towards Koushi at that moment. That was the only explanation he could come up with for his following actions.

 

“Hey who said you could go Kou-chan? Now, sit down, I know I´m irresistible, it´s okay. Come on, give me one of these meat buns.” Oikawa was holding bis hand out waiting for

Koushi to give him the food. He hadn't eaten breakfast today and was really hungry.

 

“You can´t just blurt out that you´re lonely. It makes you look weak and pathetic.”

 

“I think it´s okay to be weak. Should the people pity me I don´t care.”

 

“You also didn´t care about that back in high school?”

 

“Compared to Kageyama I was inferior in both technique and physical ability. It would have been stupid to let me be the regular setter. The only way for me to play in a match was when Kageyama got exhausted or when a substitute was needed. But that was okay as long as it got me in the game none of that hat mattered to me because I love playing volleyball. By the way what was this thing you had going on with Kageyama all about? You know he really admired you. I too. You must have practiced like crazy to be as good as you were.”

 

“I am still amazing, just to let you know. And I don´t want to waste my precious time talking about my adorable despicable kouhai.”

 

“I can understand why you resented him but it´s not fair to punish someone for who he is. Kageyama was born with talent and that is amazing and inspiring. He is also working very hard exactly like you. Maybe we think too much and feel too little, I mean when he wins it´s like your win too, you know.”

 

“Change of topic please.”

 

“Okay how about that: I believe even you are sometimes lonely Oikawa.”

 

“Don´t joke with me. By the way you can call me Tooru, Kou-chan.”

 

“You´re looking tired _Tooru_.”

 

“I had to watch a year´s worth of games records, analyzing the strategy of our rival for the upcoming match.”

 

“You are really passionate about volleyball are you?”

 

In that moment Oikawa finally noticed. It had been so obvious that he had overlooked it this whole time. The one  thing that has been bothering him about Koushi.

 

He didn’t smile.

 

Since that day they met again for the first time after highschool he hasn´t seen him smile once. Or was he imagining things?

 

_Let´s try it out._

 

No matter what Oikawa said or did and despite all his charms nothing could raise a smile from him. Oikawa couldn´t take that. He was a born entertainer and the people bathing in his presence couldn´t be anything but happy. It was a question of pride.

_Fine challenge accepted._

Oikawa volunteered to be one of the supervisors for the upcoming school festival together with Koushi. He still hadn't been able to make him smile. He even went way overbroad meeting with him up outside of the school but not even a change of place showed any success. They were passing by the haunted house hearing girls squeaking in enjoyment of the horrors they encountered there when a student approached them.

 

“Coach Oikawa, we need your help with the volleyball performance! You have to set the balls for us.”

 

“Well then time to impress the people.” Happily Oikawa went to the gym preparing himself for some serves with Koushi in tow.

 

“Watch me closely Kou-chan, I´ll show you how it´s done right.”

 

The ball fitted in perfectly between his hands and after a short warm up he started to serve. He could feel eyes watching him a feeling he really enjoyed. He was in a good shape, Koushi would be impressed. Oikawa was about to toss a ball very close over the net when he suddenly felt pain. He gasped for air. A ball had hid his groin area making him wince in pain. Koushi was running to his side excusing him.

 

“I think Coach Oikawa needs a little break from serving. I think you will be now fine without him.”

 

Then he heard it. It wasn´t an amused giggle, nor a social laugh it was a laugh out of a moment of pure joy. Koushi was laughing.

 

“How can you laugh at me! I´m suffering torments!” Oikawa was staggered.

 

“You, you tried so hard looking cool…”, Koushi stammered holding his stomach, trying to catch his breath he continued “but you failed miserably.” There were tears in his eyes. His smile was contagious and it didn´t change after all these years. Oikawa mesmerized by him couldn´t do anything but smile back. He wanted to hear him laughing on more time.

 

 “Let Sensei know if you feel pain anywhere, okay? I´m here for you. I´ll listen to your problems and I will give you strength.“ Suga began ruffling Oikawa´s hair.

 

“Hey, no one´s allowed to touch my hair,” Oikawa said pouting trying to distract Koushi from his own embarrassment.

 

“Why not? That is such a waste because it really feels nice.” Koushi shot a charming smile towards him again and Oikawa was sure his heart let out a skip or two. His cheeks were burning.

 

_I think I´m getting addicted to his smile._

 

 

 

Oikawa would always watch the volleyball matches of the national team together with Iwaizumi. Even now when they were living far apart they would phone each other while watching the game. But not today. That airhead just told him he had an important appointment and regardless of whether Oikawa would phone him for the sixth time in a row to convince him he should cancel the appointment he wouldn´t watch the game with him.

 

_Such a meanie. Claiming to be my best friend. Well, I´ll definitely won´t watch it alone._

 

Grinning he called the next person who definitely wouldn´t say no to him.

 

“Hello?”

 

“Kou-chan! It´s your lucky day, I´m on my way to your apartment. We´re going to watch the match tonight.”

 

“What? No, Oikawa, I can´t I…”

 

“You weren´t at school today. You have no excuse to say no.”

 

“Wait! I´ll be coming over to you okay? My apartment is really messy, I don´t want you to see it. All right?”

 

Koushi´s apartment was never messy but Oikawa didn´t care where they watched the game, the main point was that he wasn´t watching alone.

 

“Okay, see you later.”

 

Koushi looked at the time on his phone. It was half past eight. Daichi wouldn´t be coming back until eleven. He could go to Oikawa, watch the match and come back without Daichi even noticing.

 

 

 

“Kou-chan, hurry up it´s starting!”

 

“You were the one insisting preparing Nachos!”

 

“Because eating Nachos and drinking beer while watching the game is the best! You have to put more effort into preparing things.”

 

Balancing everything on his two arms Koushi let himself down next to Oikawa.

 

“What´s wrong Kou-chan? You are always checking your phone. Is it your lover?”

 

“I came here to watch the game not to talk with you about my love life.”

 

“You sure you´re okay?”

 

“Hmm?”

 

“You´re not looking to good.”

 

“I´m fine, just a little tired.”

 

After the first half of the match Koushi felt asleep. Oikawa continued to watch the game listening at the same time to Koushi´s deep and even breathing.

 

“Really, if you were that exhausted, you could have told me.” He ran his fingers slowly through Koushi´s hair careful not to wake him.

 

 

When Koushi woke up he could see that someone had put a blanket over his body.

 

“You are awake?”

 

Oikawa was sitting at the dining table with his glasses on the screen light of his notebook illuminating his face. It seemed like he was working on an article.

 

“You were sleeping peacefully that´s why I didn´t want to wake you up. You can stay overnight if you want.”

 

“What time is it?” Koushi was rubbing his eyes trying to fight his weariness.

 

“Almost one in the morning.”

 

The blood drained from his face. The shock letting him forget the fatigue of his body. Koushi jumped to his feet praying that Daichi went drinking with his colleagues and wasn´t already home at his apartment.

 

“Koushi what´s wrong?” Putting on his shoes he left Oikawa´s apartment in a rush muttering he had to go home immediately.

 

_What the hell was that?_

 

Oikawa was still sitting at the dining table trying to comprehend what he saw. There had been clearly panic on Koushi´s face. Folding the blanket together Koushi had dropped carelessly on the ground he saw that he had forgotten his wallet. Oikawa decided to bring it back to him bright and early in the morning. He grinned internally. He couldn´t wait to see a drowsy Koushi.

 

 

 

The door bell rang. Koushi was lying in his bed his head hurting until he realized the ringing did not stop.

 

How long had it already rung? Has Daichi forgotten the key? Oh no, he´ll get angry if he has to wait too long for the door to open up.

Koushi stood up his head spinning. He tried to reach the door as fast as he could. Opening the door he already started apologizing.

 

“I´m sorry Daichi I didn´t hear the….”

 

But the figure in front of his door wasn´t Daichi. It was someone taller than him, someone familiar.

 

“Oikawa?” Oikawa looked at him with a horrified expression.

 

“The fuck happened to your eye Koushi?!”

 

_My eye?_

 

Oh, right, he must look awful. Daichi had given him a blue eye for showing up late yesterday.

 

“Who are you?”

 

Daichi was standing behind Oikawa a bag with groceries in his hand. Oikawa noticed the change in Koushi´s behavior. He was lowering himself and his eyes widened in fear just for a second but it was long enough for Oikawa to notice it. He didn´t like what he saw. He could feel rage building up in his stomach. Oikawa didn’t even try hiding his resentment towards the bulky male who seemed to scare his friend.

 

“And who are you?” he talked back to Daichi blatantly almost snorting.

 


	4. Chapter 4

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Daichi tries to drive a wedge between Koushi and Oikawa.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I was wondering if I should give Oikawa a twisted personality leading to a second abusive relationship but I decided against it because I don´t want to romanticize this kind of relationship. Really. Do. Not. Love is respect and one should know one´s boundaries. I really want to show a healthy relationship in comparison with an unhealthy one. 
> 
> Aaaand I did draw some pictures, well two :P that´s why it took a little longer posting this chapter.

Oikawa positioned himself protective before Koushi breaking the eye contact between his friend and the other male. He wanted to tell him to get lost but Koushi anticipating his big mouth was the first one to speak up.

 

“This is Oikawa Tooru. He was once the captain of the Aoba Johsai volleyball team, you sure know him. We played against them not only once back in high school.”

 

Diachi´s eyes widened in surprise when he finally recognized the man standing before him who kept looking daggers at him. Immediately Daichi´s eyes and full attention turned back to Koushi.

 

“Go get some clothes. You´ll catch a cold when you´re standing here half-naked in the hallway.”

 

 "Ah,right."

 

Being embarrassed at the remark Koushi was darting shamefacedly into the apartment to get himself dressed.

 

“Oikawa-san it´s been a really long time, hasn´t it? Good to see you again. How have you been? Still playing volleyball?” Daichi suddenly sounded all calm and friendly. Oikawa knew this captain attitude full of empty phrases all too well.

 

_What a jerk._

 

Koushi appeared at the doorway wearing trackies and a shirt, clothes which seemed to have been the first things within range. _I thought I banned this shirt from his wardrobe_ , were Oikawa´s thoughts seeing Koushi, when Daichi continued the conversation curious to know what Oikawa was doing here. It was just an inoffensive question to ask but according to Oikawa Daichi had no right to know.

 

“I could ask you the same thing. What business does the former Karasuno captain have here?”

 

“He´s on vacation here in Tokyo and staying over in my apartment.” Seeing the pleading look in Koushi´s eyes begging Oikawa not to cause a scene, he tried to act a little less hostile.

 

“It´s about work," Oikawa answered curtly.

 

“Work?”

 

“Oikawa-san is teaching the children at my high school in volleyball.  He´s doing a very good job. All the children are thrilled by his coaching. He´s has been working at the school a way longer than I am.”

 

Oikawa brows furrowed at the use of his last name by Koushi. _Why is he being all formal for?_

“Ohh~ such high words from my colleague. I´m truly honored.”

 

“Do colleagues often meet this early in the morning in their free time?” Oikawa didn´t like the tone in Daichi´s voice asking this question but he tried to answer as politely as he could.

 

“Since Sugawara sensei is helping me out from time to time with the coaching, we quickly became friends. I just happened to be in the area and…,” he turned to Koushi, “I wanted to ask you if you would like to accompany me buying new training equipment.”

 

“Too bad Oikawa-san but we already have plans for today.”

 

“Oh, how come?”

 

“Koushi was so nice suggesting doing some sightseeing.”

 

“I am sorry,” a thin voice said.  Koushi was not able to look Oikawa in the eyes.

 

“I´m sure you´ll be able to do fine without Koushi.”

 

“And I´m sure Sugawara-san can speak for himself.” This guy really pissed him off acting all bossy. If not for Koushi he would have already spoken out all this words rattling around in his head. Also was he wondering if the panic he saw in Koushi´s face when he opened the door was just his pure imagination. He wanted to talk to Koushi about it but first he had to get rid of this nuisance.

 

“You sure you don’t want to come along?”

 

“Like I said we already made some plans.” With that Daichi made his way to the door, passing Oikawa by. “It was nice to have seen you again Oikawa-san, maybe next time.”

 

“Right, next time.”

 

They bid Oikawa goodbye and on his way to his car he hold onto Koushi´s wallet in his pocket. Koushi had been acting a way out of the ordinary and Oikawa wasn´t sure what to make out of it. He didn´t even return the wallet to Koushi out of a gut feeling to wait for another time to do so. He would send him a text saying that he has it. What Oikawa really wanted to know was what happened to Koushi´s eye since the past few hours they haven´t seen each other. But he would talk to him later at school. On wednesdays Koushi only had classes in the afternoon.

 

 

The door shut down and Koushi began unpacking the groceries in silence. Daichi watched him for a while sitting on one of the kitchen chairs with his chin leaning on his right hand which was supported on the chair back.

 

 “Koushi.”

 

“Uhm.”

 

“What´s wrong?”

 

Daichi wanted to know how he felt, could he tell him?

 

“I just, I… really would have liked to go shopping with Oikawa-san, that´s all.”

 

“You really wanted to go?”

 

“Yes…”

 

“I´m sorry Koushi, I didn´t know that. But if you would go now, that would mean that I lied to Oikawa-san. You want me to be a liar?”

 

“No, of course not,” he answered apologetically.

 

“We haven´t seen each other for two years. I want to spend as much time as possible with you that´s why I said we had plans for today. Can you understand that?”

 

Koushi was turning his face away from Daichi pretending to be busy putting the coffee in the larder.

 

“Koushi let me see your eye.”

 

He approached Koushi taking his chin in one hand, urging him forward. Koushi didn´t rat himself away from the touch.

 

“You didn´t tell him?”

 

“Tell him what?” Daichi looked Koushi deep in the eyes. Relieve washed over him seeing the sincere eyes and the slightly confused look on the smaller male´s face.

 

“You know I didn´t mean it, right?”

 

“I know...” This was Daichi´s way of apologizing and Koushi knew that. He knew that Daichi would blame himself afterwards and bitterly regretted it when he had risen a hand against him.

 

“Did you ice it?” He went to the refrigerator to get some ice, wrapping it in a towel and carefully putting it on Koushi´s face.

 

“Say, am I not enough for you?” Daichi leaned in and kissed Koushi on the forehead.

 

“You, you are Daichi, but I also want to spend time with other people sometimes.” Daichi sighed heavily.

 

“I know I agreed living and working here in Tokyo with you, because you didn´t want to let your students down regarding the upcoming exam period by having them have a new homeroom teacher with you gone, but I´m not too sure anymore. Maybe it´s better you´re moving back to me after all.”

 

“What? No Daichi!” Daichi let his prepared ice pack fall down to the ground.

 

“This is not open for discussion Koushi.” he said his sour mood matching his rising voice. Koushi didn´t want Daichi to get angrier but he just couldn´t let this thing go by without discussion.

 

“Why are you saying this so suddenly?”

 

“I don´t want you to get hurt Koushi. Not after I finally got you back.”

 

“Get hurt by what?”

 

"It´s just I don´t like the thought of you working with him. I didn´t like the look in his eyes,” a look of disdain showed up on his face.

 

“Whose eyes?”

 

“Oikawa´s."

 

“I, I know he is not flawless and it appears he is rude but,” Koushi hesitated for a moment, “he is a good guy.”

 

 “Good guy, huh.” Daichi sounded annoyed. “Why do you think he is all nice to you?”

 

“I don´t know what you are getting at. We´re just friends.”

 

“Friends? You know he was quite the player back in high school. Always surrounded by girls breaking hearts like it was nothing. Well, and not only girl´s hearts.”

 

“I don´t see what this has to do with him being friends with me.”

 

“Oh Koushi, you are really oblivious of those kind of things.” He moved a leg between Koushi´s knees bringing out a panicked look on his face.

 

“The only reason for him being nice to you is that he wants to get laid.” Koushi was shocked hearing those harsh words and he tried to regain his composure.

 

“That´s not true Daichi.”

 

“You aren’t exactly the best judge of what is or isn’t dangerous, are you?”

 

“Oikawa isn’t like…!” Koushi could feel a hand clamping over his mouth silencing him.

 

“I know guys like him. They are all charming and radiating sympathy but I can assure you the moment he gets the chance to hook up with you, he will do it. I can´t blame you, it´s your fault for always seeing the good in everyone. Besides…”

 

He took Koushi´s arm and dragged him into the floor positioning them before the mirror. He started to kiss Koushi on the mouth. Koushi wanted to ask what he was doing now but Daichi slipped his tongue trough his parted lips. He continued to kiss him hard and deep until Koushi was short of breath. Daichi held him by the chin forcing him to look at his own mirror image.

 

“Look closely. Look at your lustful expression. Every man will be manipulated by it. No wonder men like Oikawa want to get close to you because you really don´t know how to hold back.” Koushi squeezed his eyes shut. He hated looking at himself in the mirror. Having his sight gone black Daichi´s words were the only thing he could focus on.

 

 “Are you sure you never encouraged him in any way? Or can you honestly say that he never tried to get close to you, or tried touching you?”

 

There was this one time, Koushi remembered, when Oikawa showed up at his door unannounced, a thing he got used to within the months of them being friends and started to complain about his dress sense. He knew Oikawa took a mischievous pleasure in flustering the people around him by doing things like that but Koushi was enough of an adult to not let his emotions take over him.

 

“Wow, Kou-chan,” Oikawa looked at him with disbelief, “please tell me you´re wearing that shirt because you lost a bet or something like that.” Koushi looked down at himself. He was wearing a rather brightly coloured shirt and shorts, his usual outfit when he had a day off.

 

“What´s wrong with my shirt?”

 

“What´s wro-, honestly?”  Oikawa was pointing rudely with his index finger at Koushi´s shirt drawing circles in the air before it. “It would take the whole day to list the things that are wrong with it.”

 

 “That´s my favorite shirt.”

 

“Ah!”

 

Oikawa jerked back bringing his arms to his eyes. Shocked at the sight Koushi was trying to help Oikawa who seemed to suffer terrible agonies.

 

“Tooru what´s wrong?!”

 

There was a melodramatic pause until Oikawa finally spoke.

 

“My eyes…, they hurt. I can´t bear looking one more second at that shirt.” First Speechless and then getting mad at himself that he ever felt any pity at all towards Oikawa Tooru, Koushi was about to slam his door shut.

 

“Goodbye Tooru. Have a nice day.”

 

“No,no, wait!” Oikawa got his foot in the door preventing Koushi, who tried to put now more force into his door closing motion, from closing it completely. His eyes wandered again to Koushi´s shirt.

 

“God, I think I got a seizure.” Seeing Koushi´s grim look at his remark he tried to ease up.

 

“Grab your keys and a jacket and please wear another shirt. We´re going.”

 

“Going _where_ exactly?”

 

“Going shopping of course!”

 

Koushi was sitting in Oikawa´s car which was heading to the city mall. They were still discussing the topic of Koushi´s dress sense.

 

“I´m just not somebody who buys every month a new bunch of clothes. As long as they´re good I´m wearing the ones I have.”

 

“It´s not about quantity but quality. Really Koushi, I don´t mind you dressing like a 60-Year-Old but what do you do when you´re suddenly asked out for a date?”

 

“Why would I have a date?”

 

“Exactly my point. You wouldn´t with those kind of clothes.”

 

Koushi didn´t like to go shopping. There were just too many people around for his taste. Nonetheless and despite all of Koushi´s protests the force called Oikawa dragged him around into countless of shops.

 

“At least one proper outfit. That´s all I want. I think this would suit you. The one with the wine colour.” Oikawa was holding a pullover up for Koushi to have a closer look.

 

“Can´t you just call it red?”

  
“It´s not red, it´s wine. Oh look, how about that?”

 

“I like the blue one.”

 

“Azure. There you go and now to the changing rooms.”

 

It took almost four hours until they found an outfit both were happy with. Tired to the death Koushi was coming out of the changing room looking out for Oikawa.

 

_Where the hell did he disappear again?_

 

“Kou-chan I´m here~! Did you already miss me?“

 

“Oikawa where are the clothes? You practically ripped them off from me.” In response Oikawa was holding up some bags wiggling them in front of him.

 

“Did you already buy them?! No way! Give me the receipt.”

 

He was trying to get hold of the bags but Oikawa elegantly dodged his attack. Seeing that it was futile Koushi admitted defeat trying to talk sense again.

 

“I´m paying you back.”

 

 “Not a chance,” and with that he started to made his way out of the shop with big steps. Koushi had to run to catch up to him.

 

“Tooru, no.”

 

“You can treat me to lunch. I´m starving.”

 

The streets where buzzying with people. It was difficult to stay for Koushi next to Oikawa´s side.

 

“Hey ,hey I don´t want you to get lost.”

 

“Then go a little bit slower will you? Your legs are a way longer than mine.”

 

 “You just have to walk a little bit faster then. Well, how about some stamina training?“ The only answer Oikawa got from Koushi was a fierce stare accompanied by an angry snort.

 

“There are a lot of neighborhood associations organizing sport activities. I know some offering volleyball too. Just for fun, you know.  It doesn´t have to be volleyball. Why not trying something new?”

 

“Koushi?” He turned around seeing that he had lost him. He found him stuck between a group of seniors on their morning walk.

 

“Come one.” He grabbed Koushi´s hand dragging him along.

 

“Tooru, let go!”

 

“I lose you when I do that,” he says grinning.

 

“The people are staring!” Koushi could hear a group of high school girls giggling when they passed them by.

 

 

“Because you look adorable that´s why.” Koushi endured the looks of the people for five whole minutes until he spoke up again.

 

“Tooru you had your fun, come on let go.”

 

“Everything for you my love,” and he finally released his hand from Koushi´s.

 

“I really would like to meet the woman who had to endure you all these years.”

 

“You can! She´s coming over for a visit the next weekend.”

 

“Is making fun of me really that enjoyable to you?”

 

“No, I´m being serious here. You would even do me a favor. She is always worried that the big city will ruin my wonderful character. Meeting such a perfect son-in-law of a colleague like you would let her calm down a bit, I guess. But let´s talk about that some other time.”

 

After eating lunch at an Italian restaurant they both decided to get something sweet for dessert. Koushi came to halt before a take-away waffles shop.

 

“Wait here, I´ll get you one,” and with that said Oikawa was already in the shop. Koushi leaned his shoulder against the front window of the shop. Next to him was a couple also deciding to get some waffles. The young boy told his girlfriend to wait for him while he will get the sweets. Seeing this scene Koushi in jest said when Oikawa came back with two waffles in his hand, “Tooru, you know this whole day today felt like a...”

 

“A date? No wonder because it is one.” Koushi stared at him stupidly.

 

“Excuse me? Didn´t you say I couldn´t go on a day with these kinds of clothes?”

 

“With someone else, yes, but if you are with me you don´t have to dress up nicely, I don´t care what you´re wearing as long as you feel comfortable. Well, except for this one shirt. Really, where did you buy this kind of thing?”

 

 

 

Koushi never gave a second thought about their so called date two months ago. He was sure Oikawa just wanted to rile him up. Or did he not?  Did he misunderstand again? Had he encouraged Oikawa?

 

 “Well for the time being just don´t get close to him until we arrange the move.” Arms were wrapped around Koushi from behind, pulling him into a hugh.

 

“I want to protect you Koushi and I can guarantee you that Oikawa Tooru is a person who will hurt you deeply.”

 


	5. Chapter 5

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Koushi remembers how his relationship with Daichi blackened into abuse.

 

Koushi´s day had been exhausting so far, worried parents bombarded him with phone calls regarding their children´s future, a common thing happening when the exam period was about to start, leaving a restless feeling behind and he was still trying to make sense of the conversation he had with Daichi in the morning after Oikawa had left.

 

The course material for the next two days was spread out on his work desk under a pile of crumbled papers and empty red fine liners. He failed to even read one sentence without his thoughts turning to Daichi. He let his eyes wander around the room, he tried to memorize everything he saw because he would have to leave everything behind here in Tokyo soon and move back into the apartment he left secretly two years ago, a thing he thought would never ever happen. It just felt surreal. He thought maybe it all was just a bad dream he had to wake up from but then his gaze wandered to his bag, lying open on his desk, to the plain envelope, containing his resignation letter Daichi had let him write before coming to school, making it clear that he wasn´t dreaming. Daichi had ordered him to turn it in as soon as possible, but Koushi pretended not to know of its existence, alt least for today.

 

He brought his finger to his eyes, squeezing them lightly, his black eye was covered by a huge amount of makeup, he bought before coming to school. He wouldn´t have to wail long about leaving Tokyo. After he left Daichi two years ago, he cut all ties with his friends and he only phoned his mother from time to time from a pay phone out of fear Daichi could track him down. He figured out, that it would be easier not to get too close to anyone because it wouldn´t hurt so much losing them. Not that he had that many friends left after three years being together with Daichi. To be honest Oikawa had been the only friend he had made here in Tokyo. Looking back, he never would have considered being friends with him if Oikawa hadn´t been the one initiating meetups in their free time, asking him to help out at the volleyball club or eating lunch together.

 

He stretched his stiff arms into the air, adjusting his siting position to a more comfortable one. The clock stroke eight and he was the only one left in the staff room. Koushi was reluctant packing his things to go home, because he knew that he wouldn´t be able finish any work there. His phone started buzzing, displaying an incoming call from Daichi. He let out a loud sigh, he had to go home now.

 

 

 

 

Their relationship did not begin like this. It is a story Koushi finds difficult to tell because it´s made of so many pieces that it can´t be conveyed in one go. But if he had to start with a certain event, it would have been the night they went out drinking with their fellow students after successfully completing their first year at the university.

 

The bar they choose had live music and an all-you-can-eat buffet, things that were perfect to accompany the relaxed atmosphere. Koushi enjoyed going out after nights and nights of learning and the thought of going with Daichi on a trip next week for the very first time since they became a couple enhanced his cheerful mood. The hours passed by within seconds it seemed and Daichi, getting all sleepy, wanted to head home to their apartment.

 

“C´mon Koushi let´s go.” Daichi wanted to help Koushi up who was a little bit tipsy but Koushi didn´t take the hand offered to him. 

 

“You can go ahead. I want to stay a little longer. I´m not tired yet,” he said grinning wide.

 

“We´re going Koushi. I think you had enough for today and besides how will you get home without me drunk like that?”

 

“Are you his boyfriend or whutt?” They never told anyone expect their parents about their relationship.

 

“Hey Daichi, he is a big boy, he´ll find his way home.”

 

“Yeah, let him have a little fun, you party killer.” Thanks to the support of his friends Daichi left the bar grumpily alone.

 

It was way past midnight when Koushi, after two futile attempts, finally managed to put the key into the keyhole opening the apartment door. The apartment was completely dark indicating Daichi was already asleep. In secret Koushi made his way to their bedroom to get some clothes for change, when suddenly the bedside light went on. Daichi was standing still without saying a word at his side of the bed. Koushi jumped back, hitting the wardrobe with his back.

 

“God, Daichi! You scared me! I think my breathing stopped for a moment.” His boyfriend just kept glaring at him and Koushi, who had become sober from the shock, could feel that something was off.

 

“Are you okay Daichi?” Concern was in his voice and he approached Daichi reaching out his hands to touch him.

 

“I told you to go home with me and you made a huge scene in front of everyone!” Daichi was in a rage and Koushi unconsciously moved away from him.

 

“Don´t you do that ever again, hear me. Humiliating me like this!” He threw Koushi on the floor smashing the lamp next to him on the ground, leaving them both in darkness. Koushi was in such a state of shock about what happened before his eyes that he couldn´t do anything but stare at his boyfriend. That had been the first time Daichi turned violent against him.

 

The next day, when he wanted to talk to Daichi about his behavior yesterday night, Daichi laughed it off, saying that he must have had a drop to much having such a weird dream. Koushi pointed towards the empty place of the lamp that got broken, but Daichi talked it down, saying that it broke not long ago and that´s why it isn´t there. After that Koushi had seriously doubted himself, maybe everything really had been just his imagination caused by his blood alcohol level and he let it go. Even now he wasn´t sure if it actually happened but it was around this time it occurred to him that Daichi got extremely controlling, demanding to know where he was all the time and with whom. It was driving him crazy but every time he came home and was being hugged by Daichi, who told him in a piteous voice that he missed him and had just felt lonely without him, he just couldn´t bring himself to be angry with him anymore. He learned to tolerate this new side of Daichi and stopped thinking of it as a problem.

 

One day when came out of the shower, he saw Daichi lying on their bed, going through Koushi´s mobile phone.

 

“What are you doing with my phone Daichi?!” He didn´t mean to use such a harsh tone but his blood was up.

 

“You´re a way too sensitive Koushi.” Daichi didn´t even look up and continued, “Is there something I´m not supposed to see?”

 

“No, there isn´t. I have nothing to hide.” What made Koushi angry wasn´t the fact that Daichi had looked at his phone without permission, but rather that he did it without showing any kind of guilty conscience. “You don´t want to apologize?”

 

“What for?”

 

“Doing something like this without asking me. You´re invading my privacy here.”

 

“Oh please, stop overreacting will you?” Koushi reached for his phone, successfully taking it from his boyfriend, resulting in Daichi grabbing his wrist, twisting it.

 

“Ah! Daichi! You´re hurting me!“ Daichi loosened his grip and Koushi flinched away, almost stepping on his phone he dropped earlier of surprise by Daichi´s attack. Koushi losing his balance, landed on the ground. Daichi looked down on him, emotionless.

 

“I´m going to sleep, can you switch off the light?” Acting like nothing had happened, Daichi was waiting for Koushi to switch of the light. “What´s wrong Koushi?”

 

Moments like this let Koushi doubt, if they really happened or not because he just couldn´t believe that Daichi could pretend to have forgotten what actually occurred so easily.

 

 

 

Weeks passed by and the false memories of these events faded away. Daichi seemed to be more lighthearted with the semester reaching its end. They were about to eat lunch in their apartment, when Koushi received a phone call from one of his professors.

 

“Sugawara-san, I just got a call from my colleague, who works at the Hokkaido University, telling me you turned down the offer of an internship I highly recommended you for. I thought you were serious saying you wanted to work there.”

 

“What? I am serious about working there. This has to be a huge misunderstanding.”

 

“I am afraid it´s not. I´m really dissapointed by you Sugawara-san. I just wanted you to know that this was the last time I wrote a recommendation for you.”

 

The line went dead. Koushi looked down at this phone and then at Daichi.

 

“Did you decline my internship offer for Hokkaido?” he asked finally.

 

“We can talk about that later, let´s eat first.” He told him.

 

“You knew exactly how hard I worked for getting this position! How could you do this!” Koushi´s voice was shaking, letting out all his anger and frustration of the weeks that passed by. His patience snapped seeing Daichi starting to eat.

 

“Stop Eating! Daichi we are discussing this now!” He forced him to lay down his cutlery, shoving aside the rice bowl, waiting impatiently for Daichi to explain himself. Koushi tried to blink back the tears that were about to stream from the corners of his eyes. He was angry. He was apalled that the man, who claimed, that he is the only one he has ever loved, would hurt him on purpose.

 

“Don´t piss me of Koushi.”

 

“Piss you off? You? Who do you think you are?!”

 

“I warned you.” Daichi stood up and shoved him against the refrigerator. He slapped him. Hard. Koushi could feel the surface on his skin breaking. Then he was being pulled by his hair and forced down on his knees.

 

“Never speak to me like that again, hear me?” Teeth clenched and eyes shut, Koushi managed to nod awkwardly.

 

“I don´t like hurting you, but if you behave like that, I have no other choice to do so. I did this for you. You can´t trust them. They will just exploit your potential. It´s better if you stay here with me, I´ll keep an eye on you. I mean, going all the way to Hokkaido, are you this eager to get away from me? We are an item Koushi, we are supposed to be together. If you really love me, you would do as I say. Now let´s eat.”

 

Koushi´s whole body shivered. He was afraid to move.

 

“Koushi, what are you doing, the food is getting cold. Get up. _Now_.”

 

 

 

He woke up in the middle of night. He could hear sobs coming from the living room. Overwhelmed by guilt Daichi was sitting on the ground, his broken figure shaking, he was crying. Seeing Koushi coming near him, he held his head up, his voice hoarse saying,

 

"You´re leaving me right? Just like everybody else. Then go, leave. Leave me alone!"

 

Koushi told himself maybe he is all moody because something is preying on his mind. Daichi had been struggling with the courses of the third semester, he knew that much. If he had trouble he wanted to be there for him. Maybe his aggressive behavior was a cry for help.

 

_He is stressed, yes, most likely he just had a really bad day. We´ll work it out. Together._

 

“Daichi, how can I help you? I just want to be there for you. I will not leave you, I promise.” He pulled him into a tight hug, not wanting to let go of him until he was sure that his feelings had reached him.  But Daichi pushed him away, his words and feelings left without an echo. There was nothing he could say, everything was wrong and what was not wrong before changed into something wrong. He was tired of fighting with Daichi all the time, tired of shouting, crying and begging and he came to the conclusion that he couldn´t say anything wrong, when he didn´t speak at all.

 

After that Koushi had been alert trying to meet all of Daichi´s expectations and hoped that it would be enough being by his side loving him, to make him happy. But it wasn´t enough and it would never be enough, a conclusion he came to after two years. To the public they were best friends sharing an apartment together but as soon as the door was closed and it was just the two of them, Koushi became a target for all the wrong reasons. He stopped eating, sleeping, going to university and caring about other people except for Daichi. Koushi grew depressed, feeling frightened and isolated by his boyfriend´s behavior. He had tried to talk about breaking up, but like always Daichi turned a deaf ear. Every time he tried talking about again, he got punched. He couldn´t speak about his feelings to anyone.

 

 

And so he cried.

 

Cried,

 

at home.

 

Cried,

 

in public,

 

at the supermarket.

 

in the park.

 

 

He didn´t let Daichi see his tears, he didn´t like it when Koushi was whinning. Almost two years passed. Recently Daichi left their apartment for the whole night, making Koushi feel worried sick, if he had done something again that had angered him. When he was on his way to buy ingredients for Daichi´s favorite food, he saw him embracing a woman, kissing her passionately, laughing. Koushi didn´t think about leaving until that moment.

 

He knew there were things he would miss. God, he loved him, loved him so much but Daichi hardly smiled anymore. He didn´t know if Daichi loved him, or hated him, but he was sure that he wasn´t the person able to make him happy. Daichi wasn´t happy and for his sake it would be the best if Koushi wouldn´t mess with his life anymore.

 

 

 

 

He looked at his phone, displaying three unanswered calls from Oikawa. He knew he would definitely have to explain his black eye to him. That is why he preferred not to be close to anyone, because then he wouldn’t have to answer annoying questions like this with a lie. Also it wouldn´t hurt so much, when he had to leave everything behind, like he had to do now. He knew that Oikawa tried to speak to him today, even searched for him, but whenever he saw his face, Koushi ran away on instinct. It´s not that he was avoiding Oikawa because Daichi said so; it was more that he feared that Oikawa would see right through him. A thing he couldn´t let happen.

 

He wanted to pretend that he was better than these broken parts he really was. Pretend that he wasn´t this mess because than he didn´t have to look at it and no one got to look at it. Never ever would he let someone see the worst of him. He was frightened of what other people would say. Would they accept him or reject him? Or hate him like he did? That is why he kept running away from everyone. Especially from Oikawa.

 

He needed to get his wallet from him and then keep his distance. He wanted to get it back while Oikawa was coaching the volleyball club, leaving no chance for a conversation. But Oikawa wouldn´t be Oikawa if he would have just let the thing slip by. He was waiting for Koushi at the gym, already having sent the club members home. Oikawa handed him over his wallet and Koushi wanted to leave, but his friend offered him a drive home.

 

 _Are you sure you never encouraged him in any way?_ Oikawa lived in the opposite direction of Koushi, it would be a huge detour for him driving him home. _Would a friend do this?_ He had to decline the offer.

 

“Thank you, but that would be too much of a hassle.”

 

“Yeah, you´re absolutely right.” Oikawa got hold of his bag, making his way to the parking lot. Perplexed at the loose of weight in his hand, he chased after him.

 

“Oikawa, what are you doing?!”

 

“You look totaly drained. Like you said, it will be too much of a hassle for the people on the train, when you suddenly collapse. That´s why I´ll drive you home. C´mon what´ll hurt?”

 

With no real grounds to refuse, Koushi slid into the passenger seat wordlessly. They drove in silence, which was awkward because Oikawa seldom could keep his mouth shout for longer than a minute. It was already dark and the only lights illuminating the scene were the street lamps passing by, nonetheless Oikawa said,

 

“Koushi, I've never seen you this upset, and it scares me.”

 

“Everything is fine, really.” Oikawa let the engine rev and Koushi counted the seconds until they arrived at his apartment complex. It was the first time Koushi saw a silent Oikawa wearing a stern expression on his face, making him look older than he really was.

 

“Is that so? Well, would you mind explaining what happened to your eye?”

 

Secretly he had hoped that Oikawa had forgotten about it. He had hoped the makeup hid not only the black eye itself, but it´s memory of it as well.

 

“Oh, that was…I mean it was more like an accident, I ran into an open door. It totally caught me off guard. ”

 

Oikawa looked disappointed, sadness carved into his youthful features.

 

“You know,” he began low-voiced, “You can tell me if you don´t want to talk about it. Or say, you can´t talk about it. But you don´t have to insult my intelligence by lying. That´s not like you.”

 

Koushi could feel a lump forming in his throat. He hadn´t felt like himself for a long time. Oikawa set the blinker and they came to stop at the parking lot of Koushi´s apartment complex. He was about to leave the car, when Oikawa spoke up once again.

 

“There is just one last thing I wanted to ask. Something happened, didn´t it? With that friend of yours.” Koushi was speechless. There was no way Oikawa could know that.

 

“If you are in trouble Koushi, I promise I'll be here for you.” He laid his hand on Koushi´s, lightly squeezing it. Koushi was surprised at its warmth.

 

_“Or can you honestly say that he never tried to get close to you, or tried touching you?”_

 

 

“When he is the one assaulting you, then I swear to god I…”

 

“He isn´t!” Koushi jumped out of the car, quickly saying goodbye. He didn´t looked back even once, despite Oikawa calling his name a number of times.

 

Oikawa wanted to run after him, but he assumed that Koushi would feel like he was driven into a corner, refusing to speak face to face to him ever again. He gripped the steering wheel tightly and drove back home after he calmed down a bit.

 

Koushi was afraid of what Daichi would do if he would leave him again. Just the thought of it scared him. He couldn´t tell anybody that he was being abused. A guy abused by another guy? Who would believe that?

 

He was afraid of how Oikawa would look at him if he knew.

 

The sensation of Oikawa´s fingers on his hand lingered vividly, and the harder he tried to forget the less he was able to do so.

 

 

 

He opened the apartment door and could immediately smell that someone had been cooking. When he hung up his jacket Daichi came into view, grinning from ear to ear, welcoming him home. He was being  manoeuvred to the dining table with his eyes closed and when Daichi said he could open them, he saw a dinner that could be served at restaurants.

 

“Where did you buy that?”

 

“I didn´t buy it.”

 

“You can´t cook, so where did you buy it?”

 

“Don´t you remember anymore? You always complained about how you had to cook every meal because I refused to do so. In the two years you were gone I took some cooking classes.”

 

“But why?”

 

“It´s an apology for breaking my promise, living here with you. In addition, you deserve this because you´re such a wonderful person. You are the only one I want ot have by my side forever. I dont´want to lose you because you are the only one I always loved.”

 

Koushi´s gaze wandered to Daichi´s hands. Some of his fingers were bandaged. Daichi saw himself being eyed, quickly hiding them behind his back.

 

“You know, I learned that your knives are really sharp.”

 

He couldn´t believe what he heard. The food tasted great and they had their first proper conversation for years. It felt great. After they finished their meal, they huddled up to one another on the sofa.

 

Sometimes Koushi saw everything he wanted, everything he wished for right in front of him and he wanted to believe, couldn´t do anything but believe that maybe, maybe things will work out with  Daichi.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> dun, dunn, dun! The end(?) I dunno XD, could be


	6. Chapter 6

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Daichi decides to damage the friendship between Oikawa and Koushi slowly.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The story is planned out so far! Three more chapters, maybe four. Thank you for reading!

The moonlight enlightened the almost empty room revealing two human silhouettes. Koushi lay peacefully asleep in his bed, wearing a tranquil expression on his face, his even and calm breathing letting the blanket slowly rise up and down. Standing in front of the sleeping figure was Daichi, listening to him sleep. The bed barely provided enough space for Koushi to sleep in, making Daichi have to use the sofa as sleeping place.

 

It must have been nearly an hour that Daichi was staring at his sleeping boyfriend, studying his entire being, his lightly opened mouth, his crossed arms and his beautiful hands. It might be strange to describe a man as beautiful, an attribute more fitting when referring to a female, but according to his opinion there was no other word suited to describe him. Koushi rolled over, one leg hanging now out of the bed, his eyes still closed. His nose and eyebrows wrinkled in discontent, when Daichi was tucking a lose strand of hair behind Koushi´s ear. Satisfaction played on his lips at this sight. He let his gaze rest on the bluish green bruises around Koushi´s right eye. He hadn´t meant to punch this hard but he couldn´t do anything about it now that it´s done. _It will look worse the next days_ , Daichi guessed. The swelling had gone worse throughout the day and it usually took one to two weeks before no trace is left. He had to cool it constantly, though.

 

“I really love you,” he said, caressing Koushi´s cheek, he kissed his forehead, making Koushi stir.

 

 _He looks so innocent and defenseless_ , Daichi thought. Feeling highly aroused he pressed a hand against his growing erection, imagining Koushi´s sweet lips around it.

 

 _I could wake him up and_ …

 

Daichi pulled himself away before he hurt him again. Panting he got rid of his desire in the bathroom. He had wanted to fuck Koushi mindless until he couldn´t move properly anymore, the moment he set a foot into this apartment, but Koushi´s tearstained face had stopped his intentions. He wanted Koushi to beg him to do him, god knows why. That is why they hadn´t done it, _yet_. Daichi wasn´t some kind of animal not being able to control his urges, no, he was perfectly able to control himself and his desires. He had to take one step at a time. He could wait. He was a patient man. Koushi loved him no doubt about that. It just seemed that his lover had forgotten that he used to be the entire world to him, so he had to make it clear for him again, even when it hurts, and hopefully, soon everything will go back to how it was supposed to be.

 

It couldn´t be anyone but Koushi.  Daichi was surprised at how much one could love another person. Yes, he loved him and Koushi loved him too.  That is why he didn´t panic when realized that his lover wasn´t coming back any time soon two years ago. Koushi had promised him not to ever leave him, this promise had given him reassurance. Koushi hadn´t left him, Daichi had let him go. He knew something wasn´t right with him back then, mentally to speak, he barely spoke at all anymore, like he wasn´t really there and Daichi didn´t like it seeing him like that, when he was with him. Maybe Koushi needed to take a _time out_ to find back to his old spirit again. The fact that Koushi´s mother believed that they were still living together did one´s bit in him believing that Koushi definitely would come back. He couldn´t be without him after all.

 

Out of his conversation with Koushi´s mother, Koushi was most likely now living in Tokyo. Meeting him there at the train station had been pure coincidence though. The moment he saw his lover he could no longer stand the thought of being separated from him any longer. He longed for this man, for his body and soul. It had been almost two years. He had given his lover enough time for himself. He had to admit that he was a bit taken aback that Koushi didn´t seem to be as thrilled as he was seeing him here in Tokyo. After interrogating the high schooler, who bumped into Koushi, he handed in a request for leave for whole three weeks, a thing he was only able to do because he never took a day off in the last two years. He smiled at the thought of Koushi being a teacher. This was what he had always wanted to become and he was proud of his boyfriend achieving his goal.

 

He hadn’t thought it would be that easy to find Koushi but holding him in his arms again, he frowned at Koushi´s reluctance towards him. Daichi was even more surprised in him thinking that they have broken up. Being in Koushi´s apartment Daichi understood his boyfriends reactions finally. Koushi must have been thinking he wasn´t good enough for him anymore. He left without a word and was now fearing Daichi´s anger for his stupid actions but Daichi wasn´t, he was happy just having him by his side again. It was clear to Daichi that they belonged together but Koushi seemed to continue to disagree. After talking it through, he finally understood it too.

 

When he thinks back to their school time he would say the most fascinating thing about Koushi had been his smile. It wasn´t just simply showing some teeth, no, when he smiled his eyes sparkled and his whole being emitted comfort, happiness and safety. It was like the sun, warm and soothing. You were naturally drawn to it. When Koushi smiled he was shining so brightly and radiantly, possessing the ability to drive away the shadows of your sorrows behind you. Daichi fell in love with this particular smile and wanted to watch over him with all his might.

 

He wanted to have it all for himself. No one should see it but him, only he was able to fully appreciate it. Hoping no one else would discover about Koushi was selfish, he knew, but he wanted him to be forever only his. In the future there surely will be people who eventually take notice of Koushi. Even after they became an item Daichi would often find himself feeling rather uneasy. More than anything, he feared that one day someone might take Koushi away from him. He couldn´t chain him up in a room, he had to make it Koushi´s own decision not to leave him. Daichi needed to keep Koushi preoccupied with thoughts of him. Make him his world. If Koushi would have been a woman it would have been so much easier binding him to him by getting him pregnant. Still there were enough options to choose from. Koushi was someone with a strong mind but he was weak to feelings of guilt and withdrawal of affection. Within the years Koushi´s smile slowly disappeared without Daichi even noticing it.

 

Daichi walked through the apartment which was full of Koushi´s smell. When Koushi had been off to work today Daichi took his time to explore everything. He wanted to see if Koushi has changed since their separation. Everything in the apartment was neat and clean. Koushi was a very tidy person like he was, resulting their apartment back in Sendai to be spotlessly clean. Most of Koushi´s belongings were still packed in the cardboard boxes, accomplishing the move faster. He did pack before Daichi surprised him at his school, a sign that Koushi was willing to come back to him after all. Koushi didn´t own any unnecessary things, he was modest, a trait Daichi always appreciated on him. Looking into his wardrobe he was unable to suppress a faint smile. It was full of the clothes he had chosen for him. It had been quite a hassle to get him wear those. He remembered the day clearly. It was unusual hot and Koushi was about to head out to meet some of his classmates for a game of basketball, just wearing shorts only covering half of his thighs and white tank top.

 

“You are not going out wearing those clothes.” He got hold of Koushi´s wrist preventing him from taking another step to the door.

 

“I am already late Daichi, I have no time for this.” Koushi struggled and Daichi, deaf to his protests, forced him back to their bedroom, telling him to change.

 

“You are not going out half dressed like this.”

 

“It´s hot out there and this is just normal sportswear Daichi.” Koushi tried to sound calm an attempt to defuse the situation.

 

“Or maybe you really want to provoke people to stare at you? You would like that, right? When they stare where? At your legs? Your ass?” Daichi´s voice boomed with anger, punching the wall he demanded him to answer.

 

He hated Koushi wearing close-fitting clothes, no one was supposed to see his figure except him. After his shouting Koushi obediently changed into sport pants and a long-sleeved shirt. After that he renewed Koushi´s clothes completely. This clothing shift had the purpose to fend any dirty minded, lecherous suitors off. For Koushi the new, longer clothes were also convenient to hide his wounds.

 

Koushi had stopped seeing any of his friends, quit his part time job and even ended going to university classes anymore, just to be there for Daichi, which made him really happy. But he was careful not to show it. He didn´t know what he was doing all day alone at home, but he didn´t care. If he loved him, he could wait for him coming home, is what he thought. After a while Daichi decided it was still not enough. They were a couple for over three years now, when he noticed that Koushi had been off lately, lost in his thoughts he would just sit on their sofa, staring out of the window with an opened book in his lap. That was about the time when he began to fool around with these meaningless girls to keep Koushi´s mind preoccupied with thoughts of only him. He loved it, when he came back home and Koush´s face was sick worried asking him where he had been the whole time. Seeing him like that made him felt truly loved. Sometimes Koushi would accuse him of seeing other people. He often told Koushi then he was being paranoid and crazy, that he wasn´t meeting anyone else but Daichi didn´t hide it or was cautious about his dates because…well because he wanted to see how Koushi reacted.

 

After coming home well rested from a hotel after a night full of party, he found Koushi sitting on their bed in low spirits, his sports bag lying next to him.

 

 

“I´m going.”

 

“Going where?” Daichi was amused, normally Koushi never showed such an act of defiance, this was new and it was adorable, his eyes were all puffy red, he must have cried a lot and that not long ago. Maybe he even didn´t get a wink of sleep out of worry for him, his precious Koushi.

 

“I am leaving you, I can´t put up with this anymore. I think, I think it´s not healthy for both of us to stay together anymore, I-” His voice was cracking almost inaudible.

 

“Koushi you have to speak loud and clear otherwise I don´t understand you.”

 

“I´m breaking up with you.” Those words were loud and clear and the conversation they had right now was the longest they had for a very long time.

 

“That is not funny Koushi.”

 

“It is not supposed to be.”

 

“Honestly Koushi, what...” Daichi was moving closer to his lover but Koushi gestured him to stay where he was.

 

“No, let me speak for once Daichi. I want to break up with you and speak with you face to face about it. I thought that you loved me, and that you needed me by your side but…,” he looked with disgust at the lipstick on Daichi´s shirt, “it seems that you are perfectly fine without me.” With that he stood up and flicking his sports bag over his shoulder, he was about to leave the room.

 

“You are not leaving.” He didn´t like the cold, distanced way Koushi was acting towards him. What was he getting all bitchy for? Is this him feeling jealous and abandoned? Did he pay him not enough attention?

 

“I´ll be going now Daichi.”

 

“We are not, hear me, _not_ breaking up.” He twisted Koushi´s arm by his elbow, making him let go of the bag and then pushed him rudely on the bed. Daichi was furious. Slamming the door close, he wanted Koushi to understand how angry he was with him.

 

“I love you.” Daichi made his way to the bed. He held on to Koushi not allowing him to get away by trapping the smaller man´s body under his weight.

 

”Don´t…” Daichi closed Koushi´s mouth with his lips.

 

“Be good now. I want to do it.” The scent of perfume left an unpleasant feeling in Koushi´s nose.

 

“No, Daichi, I don´t want to when you smell like some woman. It´s over.” Using all his might Koushi tried to push Daichi off him. Annoyed by his struggle he pinned down his hands over his head. In terms of strength he was no match for him. He could have been though. They were close in height but due to not doing any workouts and not eating meals on a regular basis Koushi´s body had lost strength and weight.

 

“I will have to punish you if you don´t stop struggling and talking nonsense like this, I don´t want to hear this again.”

 

“Let me go Daichi! I´m through with you!”

 

Koushi kept up his fight, desperately trying to get out of Daichi´s grip. Daichi´s reaction to his disobedience was simple: one strong slap in the face. Koushi immediately stopped moving and screaming, out of shock or obedience, Daichi didn´t know and didn´t care.

 

“That is much better isn’t it Koushi? If you do as I say I won´t have to hurt you.” Koushi´s right cheek was glowing red, emitting warmth. With his finger Daichi was tracing along the red mark, making Koushi wince in pain.

 

“You can´t leave me because you love me. I am the only one loving you.” Daichi´s fingers slipped under Koushi´s pants, pulling his soft member out, which was now lying in the palm of his hand. He enjoyed Koushi grimacing at his action.

 

“You can´t do anything without me. You need me because you are nothing without me.“

 

Their faces were millimeters apart, he could feel Koushi´s warm breath on his skin. Keeping Koushi´s gaze captive, he left him without any doubt at the words he said. Koushi turned around burying his face into the pillows. Daichi was rubbing his cock slowly and suggestively up and down whispering an _I love you_ into his ear. He licked and nibbled at the exposed neck before him, giving his Adam´s apple a kiss, which was moving up and down while Koushi was swallowing his anger and pride. Daichi started to put more force into his actions, the pushing and pulling driving Koushi to whimper. He was more than pleased seeing his boyfriend flushing at his movements.

 

“Look at you.” Koushi´s face was still averted, avoiding the eye contact to Daichi.

 

“What are you getting hard for? A moment ago you said you didn´t want to.“ He purred into his ear. Koushi tried again to break free at those words.

 

“Hey, hey, focus on me, love.” He gave Koushi´s cock a hard squeeze, sending a shock through his body. Koushi eyes were now half lidded and he was panting, his lips slightly parted. Daichi gave again a squeeze to the already swollen tip and he could feel something warm dripping over his hand.

 

“Felt good?” Hot tears were falling down Koushi´s face, shame and embarrassment showing in his features.

 

“Let go.” He said warily but Daichi didn´t, he wasn´t finished yet. Koushi started to cry unable to hold the sadness back. Daichi looked down at the sobbing figure below him. His crying was heartbreaking. It was the first time he felt bad. Feelings of guilt and long-lost anger were suffusing him. He let go of Koushi´s hands, who immediately covered his face with them.

 

“Just, don´t meet with other people anymore, don´t sleep with other people anymore, please.” The sex they had afterwards had been awesome. Koushi had clung to him with all his might, as if he would disappear the minute he would let go, begging and pleading him not do to something like this again. He couldn´t promise Koushi that because it felt amazing being forgiven. To tell the truth he hadn´t slept with anyone so far because the only person worth of his attention had been Koushi. But that was something Koushi didn´t have to know. The next morning when Koushi was still asleep, he threw the sports bag and all suitcases they had away, just as a precaution.

 

 

 

“Have you handed in your resignation?” Drinking his coffee Koushi immediately started coughing at the question. He kept shifting uncomfortably in his seat, afraid to speak up. Not getting any further encouragement from Daichi to answer his question, he decided putting forward his plea.

 

“Uhm, no I haven´t. The principal wasn´t there yesterday and I wanted to hand it to him in person since he took good care of me.”

_Since when had Koushi been this disobedient? Is he getting to full of himself after I have cooked for him?_

 

“I was just thinking that maybe it could wait until, uhm, next month? You see, there is our school´s open day and I am in charge of a lot of things and it would be a nuisance for someone else taking my duties over and…”

 

 “No _.” I´m sick hearing of this shit_. If Koushi didn´t hand in the resignation by himself then he had to force him doing it. Making him feel insecure, afraid and incompetent was the solution for that. When would Koushi finally see that it was the best to just do as he is told? What would the parents say if they knew their kid´s homeroom teacher was gay?

 

 “I promise, I won´t met with Oikawa.”

 

“It´s not about Oikawa!” Of course it was. Oikawa was someone Daichi wasn´t be able to control.

 

“We´ll be leaving in two weeks’ time.” _I´m in charge and he needs to understand that._

 

 

 

 

The sounds of squealing shoes, balls hitting the ground and excited voices of youngsters were filling the gym. It was Friday´s volleyball practice and Oikawa had talked to Koushi just once since he had brought him home on Wednesday. Their conversation had been rather short. Koushi just informed him that he wanted to quit being the assistant coach for the volleyball club without further explanation. He hadn´t told the kids about that yet, because Oikawa secretly hoped to convince his friend thinking his decision over again or at least explain to him a proper reason for leaving the team.

Time flew by fast when he spent the weekend at Miyagi with his family and friends. On Wednesday Oikawa thought he had given Koushi enough space and time. He tried to call him but just his mailbox answered. Today was a volleyball match between the Panasonic Panthers and F.C. Tokyo and he had ordered an extra ticket for Koushi to watch the game with him. He hadn´t said anything so far because he wanted it to be a surprise since Koushi was a fan of Takeshi Nagano, the libero of the Panasonic Panthers, a volleyball club from Hirakata, Osaka. Attending matches like this was also part of Oikawa´s job. After the match he will have to interview both teams and write an article about it.  He decided to drive over to Koushi and was more than astonished to discover that Daichi was opening the door.

 

 _What is he still doing at Koushi´s apartment_? They both disliked each other and since Koushi was in no sight, there was no need to be all polite and play nice.

 

“My, my, don´t tell you´re now living here because you got fired from your job? Good for you Kou-chan has a heart of gold letting you stay here. By the way, could you please call him for me, Dai- _chan_ ~?”

 

“He´s not here.”

 

“Where is he then?”

 

“Out.”

 

_These thoughts have been censored by the author out of politeness._

 

“Do you know when he will be back?”

 

“No, that´s it then?”

 

The door closed and Daichi was more than vexed that the annoying pretty boy still approached his lover. He needed to do something about this. He would protect Koushi from shit like that.

 

“Daichi?” A voice called from the bathroom. “Who was on the door?” Koushi appeared in the floor, drying his hair with a towel.

 

“Someone just made a mistake with the door number. Here let me do it.” He took the towel and started to dry Koushi´s hair carefully.

 

“Geez, I can do that on my own Daichi.”

 

“Maybe, but I want to spoil you a bit. How about I also dress you up?”

 

“Oh, shut it.”

 

 

 

Oikawa had sent Koushi a short text with his invitation, hoping Koushi would read it in time. He didn´t have to wait long for an answer, the text saying that he would like to watch the game with him. After a short texting back and forth they decided to meet up in front of the stadium at seven.

 

Oikawa´s foot was tapping on the ground and his eyes locked on the clock on his phone showing the numbers 19:10. He had tried calling Koushi but he hadn´t answered. Since he had his ticket he couldn´t go in without him. Also going in and coming out when he arrived wasn´t an option because of the poor signal inside the stadium, Koushi´s call would probably not make it through. _Beep._ There seemed to be trouble with the train and Koushi would be running late.

 

The game already started and Koushi was still not there. Oikawa was keeping track of the it via the live ticker on his phone. His fruitless attempts of calling Koushi led him to write him that he would be depositing the ticket with his name at the counter when another arriving text told him that Koushi would be there in a few minutes. The few minutes turned into fifteen and the game was hallway through. Another message from Koushi arrived, saying that something urgent came up and he wouldn´t make it. Cursing internally, Oikawa headed to the entrance door to see at least the second half of the game to be prepared for a proper interview afterwards.

 

 

 

“Daichi have you seen my phone?” Koushi was turning his head from left to right in search for the lost object.

 

“Did you forget at it school maybe?”

 

“No, I checked my mails with it when I came home. Do you mind calling me with yours?”

 

“Sure.” Daichi pressed the green calling button but no ringtone was to be heard in the apartment. Daichi smirked without Koushi noticing it. Good thing he turned on the silent mode on Koushi´s phone when he took it.

 

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Next time is up: Oikawa and Koushi are getting into a fight.
> 
> The reason? Guess who.


	7. Chapter 7

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Oikawa has a faint suspicion he hopes not to be true.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I said Koushi and Oikawa will have a fight but to a later point in the story not now

The past few days with Daichi had been….nice. After he had left Daichi two years ago, Koushi had convinced himself that he didn’t need the special closeness to one other person anymore. There was no need to love and be loved. But having Daichi back, he realized how much he longed for exactly that. Seeing Daichi joking around, by the way he had a great sense of humour, laughing and being all passionate about the move, he could feel his heartbeat getting faster. He was still in love with this man. When they first got together Daichi used to make him feel loved, valued and respected and right now, he was making him feel like, well like being loved? He could have found easily someone different to be with but the only person he wanted to be at his side forever had been Koushi. Daichi loved him something he didn’t believe back then.

He really did hurt Daichi when he left him and it made him feel incredibly guilty. Their relationship wasn’t perfect, he was aware of that. He didn’t like getting physically hurt but it had been solely his fault. The only reason Daichi got violent, to the extent giving him a black eye, had been Daichi’s fear that Koushi had left him again after he finally had found him. He just had to make it clear to Daichi that he wouldn’t leave him anymore and then, he hoped, their relationship will take a turn for the good. But more than feelings of love were feelings of fear. Fear of further violence. Fear of his own safety if he tries to break away from him again and again Daichi is able to find him. Fear of  the unknown. The safest way was to keep up the relationship where he had Daichi in his field of vision. But the fear of losing the relationship he had right now with Daichi was eating him away too. He didn’t want to destroy the peace by doing or saying something stupid. He was afraid of making Daichi angry again. Adding to his misery was his guilty conscience of his unapproachable behavior towards Oikawa for the purpose of not giving Daichi a reason to be mad at him again.

 

Tying his shoes Koushi was about to leave his apartment for work. A hand was wrapped around his waist holding him back from opening the door. Daichi was cuddling up behind him, now with his other arm around Koushi. He started kissing his neck, nuzzling against it.

 

“Skip class, won’t you?”

 

“Daichi, _no_ , we aren’t students anymore. It’s bad when the teacher is the one absent.” He was trying to brush Daichi off, resulting in him strengthen his hug.

 

“You win” He planted a quick kiss on his cheek sending him off. “Don’t forget about handing in your resignation.” Koushi went noticeable stiff and nodded at Daichi reassuringly. On his way to the train he felt his stomach turn. A thing that often occurred when he was stressed and the reason why he didn’t bother providing his stomach with food. Again Koushi would be too late for class. He hated being unpunctual, saying it was a sign for disrespect for the person who waited. Everyone was running late from time to time because of certain circumstances but not three times in a row.

 

He handed it in his resignation after his first morning class with the plea not to tell anyone about it. The headmaster was a very understanding person, sorely disappointed of losing one of his diligent staff members, he asked if the reason for the sudden dismissal was school related but Koushi vehemently denied that, stating that he enjoyed working here and explained the decision to leave the school was due to personal reasons. His hands were trembling when he was shaking hands with the headmaster, who wished him all the best for his future. He left the office, touched by the kindness he received a moment ago. He looked into his pockets for something sweet to cover the bitter taste of void he felt on his tongue. One and a half week and he would be gone. Daichi had to be right; a fresh start would be the best.

 

Lunch time was about to begin, when two of his students asked him when the next volleyball practice match was up. They were astonished to hear that he had cancelled being assistant coach and Koushi was wondering if Oikawa had misunderstood him. It didn’t matter anymore; he would be gone soon anyway. _Maybe I should tell him about my resignation? He deserves to know._ Koushi found him on the rooftop, sitting on the ground with his back leaning against the fence, his face held up high to catch some sun.

 

“Tooru?”

 

Oikawa had his eyes closed and didn`t bother to open them, when he heard Koushi calling out for him. He wasn’t angry at Koushi for not showing up at the match yesterday but he considered, it would be appropriate to be pouting, he deserved it. _You have to try harder Kou-chan if you want me listening._

 

“Today two students asked me about the date of the upcoming match but I told you that I’m not participating in the volleyball team anymore. Didn’t you tell them?” Oikawa thought Koushi would be apologizing for yesterday, by not doing so he was a little disappointed, he had to admit.

 

“Oh, _that_.” Eyes still closed, Oikawa tried his best to ignore his friend.

 

“Yeah, that. You know…” A phone was ringing; it had to be Koushi’s.

 

“I’m sorry. I need to take this call.”  Koushi excused himself and answered the call. From the bits Oikawa heard it must be Daichi at the other side of the line. _I called him a hundred times yesterday and he didn’t bother to pick up, but when his blockhead of a friend calls, he just drops everything._

 

Too absorbed in his conversation Koushi didn’t notice Oikawa leaving. It was a childish thing to do, Oikawa knew, but he was not amused being ignored because of Daichi. _If Koushi really would like to talk to me, he will try contacting me_. But he didn’t. Thursday, Friday and Saturday passed by but Koushi didn’t bother calling him. Oikawa became aware of the fact that he and Koushi had almost talked every day, even when it was just a short ‘Hello’ but since Daichi’s appearance two weeks ago, they had barely spoken to each other. Not that he hadn’t tried to get in contact with him but either he wasn’t responsive or busy doing ‘things’.  When he was walking to his car after a meeting on Saturday, he realized that it hurt being treated like that. He had trusted Koushi implicitly but he obviously made up lies not to meet him. Koushi faded slowly away and Oikawa felt horribly betrayed.

 

 

 

“Stop clinging to me Shittykawa. It’s gross!” Disgusted, Iwaizumi had slapped his right hand on his best friend’s face, trying to push him with all his might as far back as possible from him.

 

“Kou-chan would never say something like this!”

 

On Sunday evening Oikawa, not being able to cope with his problems alone, had dragged his best friend out to drown his sorrows in alcohol. He rarely drank alcohol due to the damage it could inflict to the body but drinking made his head feel lighter and right now he just wanted to forget how miserable he was. He was painful silent in the beginning, just nipping on his beer, when Iwaizumi smacked his head at the back, saying he should spit out the reason for taking advantage of his precious time like that. This little encouragement was enough to get his mouth talking about his colleague, who did everything to avoid him.

 

 

 

“When you are also clinging to him like that I understand why he doesn’t want to see you.” Oikawa sniffled. Was he the one clinging to Koushi in need of companionship all along? Could Koushi be perfectly fine without him? All signs pointed to that.

 

“You know, it sounds like you got dumped.” Iwaizumi took a sip of beer, finger poking on Oikawa’s front head.  “Man, being heartbroken sure makes you ugly.”

 

“I wanted to be comforted and not being trampled on.” His so-called best friend ignored him knowingly, searching the eye contact with the waiter for the next order.

 

“You suck at making me feel better.”

 

Fine, he liked Koushi. He liked him a way too much. It was scaring him sometimes. His initial feelings of admiration towards the male with the sunshine smile turned slowly into feelings of love within the year they worked together. And Koushi liked him too, didn’t he? Or was he straight all along? But his intuition seldom failed him. He thought Koushi was just the shy type, not showing anything regarding romantic feelings and it's not like he's all that bothered by it, Koushi being distant all of sudden, not even a little bit, nope, that was what he told himself at least. He would like to try kissing him or the other way around, then they would know for sure if it’s love. But how is this supposed to happen when they never meet? Well, it’s just been two weeks. He should stop freaking out. After his stupid captain friend is finally gone, things will turn back to normal.

 

 

 

Oikawa was heading to the gym for the morning practice when he caught sight of Koushi talking to someone on his phone while balancing some kind of self-made scientific model for learning purposes with one hand. He approached him without thinking, taking the model from him before it could fall down. Koushi turned around, startled.

 

“Was that Dachi?” Koushi nodded. _How is it possible for a person, who is not even here, being able to get on my nerves like this?_ He thanked Oikawa for helping him out and wanted to take the model back from him, when the last mentioned blurted out the thoughts in his head.

 

“It’s like he is your boyfriend or something like this.” Koushi’s face was showing not a horrified but embarrassed expression. It was just meant as a joke but seeing Koushi`s face turning bright red, he knew he had hit the nail right on the head.

 

Oh. _Oh. So that’s how it is._

 

“Are you gay Koushi?” The faint colour that was on his face left completely and his eyes wide with shock looked right into Oikawa’s. He could feel that something was very wrong with his friend. He wanted to say that it didn’t matter what a preference he had but it was already too late. His friend couldn’t control his breathing and crouched down on the ground, not being able to keep himself on his two feet. He was now hyperventilating, clutching his arms to his chest, shaking.

 

Oikawa had to take first aid courses on a regular basis due to his work as coach and he knew that the best way to help Koushi would be to calm him down.

 

“Hey, hey, hang in there. You are okay. It will be over in a minute.“ He kneeled down and rubbed his back, encouraging him to take slow even breaths. After a few minutes Koushi was able to compose himself. Oikawa stood up, helping Koushi on his feet. Getting him up, he immediately noticed the loose on weight on him.  The smaller male indicated to Oikawa to hand him over the model.

 

“Koushi, that was a panic attack.”

 

“I’m fine.”

 

“People who are fine don’t just have a panic attack. But I believe even when you would have been shot and started bleeding, you would say you’re fine. C’mon pal.” He looked around but nobody was there to have witnessed the scene. Then he heard Koushi’s toneless voice.

 

“You don’t think I’m disgusting? Isn’t it wrong?” Oikawa couldn’t believe what he just had heard. Cupping Koushi’s face with both hands assuring his full attention, he spoke with a loud and clear voice.

 

“Hear me Koushi: Loving someone is never, _never_ _wrong_. If the person you love happens to be a man, so be it.” Astonished eyes were darted on Oikawa, looking at him as if he said something completely alien.

 

“You didn’t have a good experience with coming out, I assume?” Koushi felt silent for a moment and looked down to the ground avoiding his friend’s comforting gaze.

 

“My father wasn’t exactly happy hearing about it.” Pain and sorrow were visible in his face.

 

“You know, maybe within time he’ll come to understand.”

 

“He’s dead.” _Great Oikawa, well done._ Koushi rarely talked about his family or friends, it was something he always wondered about but hearing this made him understand.

 

“There are a lot of people out there who show understanding for same sex relationships. Don’t let the bad experience dictate your life.” The school bell rang, ending their conversation.

 

 

 

He was worried about his friend. Koushi didn’t look healthy. The black eye was still there despite Koushi’s attempts to hide it, making him look more miserable than he probably was. His face had been pale and the dark circles under his eyes indicated a lack of sleep also his movements were rather sluggish. Oikawa was able to head him off when Koushi was on his way home.

 

“So, is Daichi your boyfriend?”

 

Silence.

 

“There is a hickey on your neck, you know that?” Oikawa pointed on a place on Koushi’s body. Koushi’s arm rushed to his neck to the alleged spot. It was a fruitless attempt to hide it.

 

“It’s written all over your face Koushi. And by the way, there is no hickey. I just wanted to see your reaction.”

 

“You are a demon sometimes, I swear.”

 

“Do you love him?”

 

Silence again.

 

“I do.”

 

“Why did it take you so long to answer?”

 

Koushi went mute at the remark.

 

“Are you happy Koushi?”

 

“I’m not talking about this anymore.” Oikawa’s questions were causing him pain. Was he happy? Is it even important that he was happy? Daichi was happy, wasn’t that enough? When was the least time when he thought about himself and his feelings?  

 

“You know, usually that would be the case being in a relationship.” Suddenly Koushi lost his balance, falling on the ground. He hadn’t felt good today, the panic attack in the morning only added to that, and he just wanted to go back home and sleep.

 

“I’ll take you to the infirmary.”

 

“I don’t need to go to the infirmary. I’m just a little tired that’s all.”

 

“You look like shit.”

 

“Thank you.”

 

“You’re welcome. But I am not letting you go like this. Should I call Daichi to come pick you up?” Koushi answered with a shake of his head. “What should I do then Kou-chan? I can’t leave you like this.” He could see Koushi considering the options he had and after letting out an exaggerated sigh he asked Oikawa if he could drive him home.

 

Talking to Oikawa had tired Koushi out and the second he sat in the passenger seat his eyes were closed. He would have slept there for the next few hours if Oikawa hadn’t woke him up. Getting out of the car, he could feel his stomach revolting.

 

“Bathroom.”

 

He threw up before they even reached the bathroom, dirtying his pants and the floor. Koushi had difficulties keeping his eyes open, wanting to clean up the mess he tried to bend down when someone maneuvered him gently to his bed, assuring him it would be okay to rest and more than willingly he obeyed the voice. Something warm was touching his forehead and the last thing he was conscious of when he slowly faded to sleep, was someone in the kitchen fiddling around with the pots.

 

Koushi didn´t have fever but Oikawa would make sure that he went to see a doctor after he woke up. It was a feat that Koushi actually managed to lose more weight than he already had. A lack of sleep and malnutrition were probably the cause for his fainting. _If I was his boyfriend I definitely wouldn’t have let him go to work in this condition. I would have made sure that he at least eats and sleeps enough_. After cleaning everything up Oikawa went out to buy some herbal tea and ingredients for a bouillon to make sure Koushi had something reasonable to eat tomorrow. Coming back he went to the bathroom to wash his hands when he heard muffled voices. He walked out of the bathroom seeing that the bed was empty. Moving to the living room in search for Koushi he spotted him standing in the floor.  

 

“Koushi are you feeling…?!”

 

A dull sound was to be heard and Koushi landed with great speed on the floor of the living room. Oikawa moved without thinking to help his friend but was stopped by Daichi who seized him by his collar, keeping him from going. Seeing his boyfriend only with a disheveled shirt and his underpants on, standing in the floor with a second pair of shoes at the entrance, which clearly didn’t belong to his boyfriend, had Daichi’s mind let snap.

 

“What are you doing here?!” Oikawa ignored Daichi’s question completely, his eyes searching Koushi, who still was down on the floor. His nose was bleeding, the blood now dripping on the ground, undoing Oikawa’s attempt to clean from earlier.

 

 

 

“Have you lost your mind?! He is bleeding!” He freed himself from Daichi’s firm grip making his way to Koushi. “Shit!” _Judging from the injury Daichi must have hit him directly in the face. He is still conscious but god knows how it looks inside his head._ Koushi was tugging on his sleeve saying in a low voice that everything was all right.

“As if! We are going to the hospital right now! Where is your insurance card?” Oikawa glanced to Daichi who hadn´t moved an inch, looking in shock at the blood on the floor becoming aware of what he had just done. He brought a hand to his face, covering his eyes. “I’ll get it, stay here Koushi.” Passing him by Oikawa warned Daichi with a growl not to touch Koushi. He ran to the bedroom in an attempt to find Koushi’s wallet. "I told you not to and you are still seeing him?" Returning, he saw Daichi leaning over his friend, panicking he ran towards the two men, seeing that Daichi was pressing a cold compress on Koushi’s neck. His head was leaning on Daichi’s chest tugged under his chin. Daichi was murmuring something into his ear while holding a towel under his nose. If Daichi wasn’t the one responsible for Koushi’s condition in the first place, Oikawa would say he was being overly attentive, but he just felt sick in the stomach at this display of rotten affection.

 

“Koushi.”

 

“Hands off scumbag.”  Snarled Daichi, contempt noticeable in every fiber of his being. Before Oikawa could give him hell, Koushi spoke up again.

 

“It´s okay Oikawa. Daichi will take care of me.“

 

He put a hand to Daichi’s cheek, his fingers tracing along it as if touching something fragile.

 

“Take care of you?! This dick punched you not a minute ago right into the face! He screamed at Koushi unintentionally. He was all tensed up since he saw Koushi lying down on the floor.  The smaller male winced, clearly being upset at the shouting.

 

“It was just a misunderstanding. He thought I was seeing someone.” _Does he mean me?_

 

“ Tooru go home, _please._ ”

 

“Are you out of your mind Koushi?! I´m not leaving and much less if he is in the same room as you.”

 

“He is not doing anything and it’s not that bad.” Koushi must have hit his head really hard, was what Oikawa thought. ~~~~

“I’m going to call the police.” He pulled out his phone and was dialing 110 when Daichi spoke up.

 

“And why should the police bother coming here? What will you tell them?” He glared at him unable to hide his anger.

 

“It’s obvious, isn’t it? A case of domestic violence.”

 

“Koushi,” Daichi looked down at him, “did I hurt you?” Oikawa also looked down to see Koushi turning his face slowly up.

 

“No, you didn’t hurt me.” He glanced to Oikawa. “Nothing happened here Oikawa.” Oikawa could feel goosebumps on his skin. This was the first time in his life that he was at loss for words.

 

“Still want to call the police?”

 

“You freaking psycho!” He snapped at Daichi.

Daichi placed one arm around Koushi’s back and the other arm around the bend in his knees. He lifted the injured man up with ease, keeping him close to his own body carrying him to the bedroom. He was trembling slightly but Koushi let Daichi touch him and take him to his bedroom without any protest. There was a click giving away that the bedroom door was being locked.  

_The fuck._

 

Oikawa never experienced an act of violence first hand. Especially towards a person he dearly cared for. It was an awful feeling, leaving you totally helpless. Baffled  just for a moment Oikawa made his way to Koushi’s bedroom, slamming with both his hands against the closed door.

 

“Open the door! He needs to get a proper treatment.“ There was a pause at the other side of the door before Daichi spoke up.

 

“Mind your own business. He said he’s fine.”

 

“Koushi!”

 

“Leave us alone Tooru. _Please,_ just go.”

 

Oikawa was now sure that Daichi was also the cause for Koushi’s black eye. Because he had wanted to watch this stupid volleyball match not alone Koushi got hurt. And now, Koushi got punched in the face because he had been here in his apartment. Would he get more hurt when he stayed any longer? Would he make everything just worse? He didn’t want Koushi to get hurt anymore. What the hell was he supposed to do?


	8. Chapter 8

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Suga and Oikawa are getting into a fight.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> University started again and I wasn't able to find any time to work furhter on the story. BUT it will defintely come to an end, it will just take a little time.
> 
> Enjoy reading!

The memories of yesterday were circling in his head, making Koushi feel sick. He was being crushed by waves of shame having Oikawa letting witness a scene like this. His whole body felt numb, from his head to his toes, making him unable to move out of his bed. Hesitant, he ogled the timer on his dresser. Like a warning sign the display let the numbers 12:27 light up in a deep red. _Oh no_. Again he had skipped school without any real reason. Internally he hoped that Daichi had called the school, informing them about his absence.

 

 

Actually it didn’t matter anymore if he was there or not. Nothing mattered anymore. _God, why did it have to happen in front of Tooru? I just want to sleep and never wake up again._ He was covering his head with the blanket, turning his world dark. Utterly miserable was not in the least the right word to describe his emotional state. He felt powerless beyond compare. He couldn’t even feel sorry for himself or laugh at himself for not being smart enough to handle the whole situation on his own. He was stuck, stuck in an abusive relationship and he couldn’t do anything about it.

 

 

 

 

But Koushi was not alone with the feeling of being stuck. Oikawa had left the apartment finally, being at his wit’s end. He was afraid he might cause an accident in his state of mind and to be on the safe side, called a taxi to take him home. It was needless to say that he couldn’t sleep a wink. How could he, having seen something like this? No one deserved to be treated in this kind of way, this was _not_ love.  Nobody could convince him otherwise. This was unacceptable. It was a crime. Koushi was smart, he was strong. Why was he letting a thing like that happen to him?

Just one word from Koushi and he would have dealt with Daichi. Oikawa wanted to keep him safe but Koushi had refused the help he had offered. He told him to leave. He had Daichi, he said. _What is going on in your head Kou-chan? I don’t understand._

 

Didn’t it bother him being beaten? Well, Oikawa knew that there were people with preferences like that but this kind of thing would be consensual and he doubted that this was the case with his friend. He had to do something about that. It didn’t matter if Koushi hated him for interfering with his life. He could hate him all he wants as long as he was safe and sound. The severe change in Koushi’s behavior the last two weeks reinforced his decision not to ignore and pretend that what he had seen never had happened.

 

 

 

 

Koushi heard the sound of dishes being laid out in the living room and buried himself deeper in a pile of softness not wanting to get up. He heard the bedroom door opening and with every heavy step Daichi took towards him, he squeezed his eyes  shut firmer and firmer.

 

“Koushi, c’mon get up. I made supper.”

 

Koushi was reluctant at this proposal. Anything he would eat right now would immediately come back, he was sure about that.  Adding to that, he was also too frightened and tired right now to deal with Daichi. His head didn’t feel right and he was afraid that he wouldn’t be able to put as much attention to Daichi’s moods as he should. One more blow to the head and he maybe would take some serious injury from that.

 

He had thought having Daichi by his side was more safe than not to have him here, but he wasn’t so sure anymore.

 

“Hey, are you pretending to be asleep?” _Well,_ _I´m trying._

“C’mon Koshi.” Daichi was trying to shove the blanket aside but Koushi gripped it with the little strength he had left, refusing to let it go. _Maybe he gets bored of me or frustrated and then he will leave me for good. Then it will be just me and that’s how it is supposed to be._

“Stop acting like a little kid, I’m not having that. You need to eat something.“

 

“I don’t feel well Daichi, can I just skip supper?” The mumbled voice under the pillow asked carefully.

 

“Koushi...” Even under the thick wall of pillows and blankets Koushi could feel the change in Daichi’s mood. He couldn’t quite explain it but something was just starting to feel “off” about his boyfriend. His whole presence started to make him feel threatened and on-edge. Afraid to speak up anymore he stayed silent, letting go of the blanket. He dressed up quickly and went to the living room where Daichi was already sitting at the table. When he was trying to sit down he could feel the pain in his head. He gritted his teeth, bringing his two hands up to put some pressure on it to ease the pain.

“What’s wrong?”

“It hurts.” He said merely audible.

“Stop whining. I just gave you a smack around the head—if you remember correctly, I was actually trying to help you, not to hurt you. I think from now on Oikawa won’t bother you anymore.”

_You’re right Tooru will never ever talk to me anymore, thanks to you._

Koushi’s chopsticks were digging into the rice but he just couldn’t bring himself to eat it. Noticeable annoyed Daichi let out a grunt.

 

“Geez, do I have to feed you? That is really bothersome. I tried hard making something you like to eat, you know?” Koushi winced at those words and shoveled out of necessity a mouthful of rice into his mouth. He had made Daichi upset again. _Stupid._

 

Their relationship was like a state of constant chaos. He was hardly able to swallow the rice, thinking all the time of how much he wished for their relationship to go back to where it was in the start, when it felt safe.

 

“Did you book a moving van like I told you?” Koushi’s eyes grew wide. Did Daichi asked him to do that? He desperately searched in his head for the memory of that request but it didn’t matter how much he tried, he couldn’t remember Daichi telling him that. Since Koushi couldn’t be trusted with those kinds of things, Daichi would always handle them. He ducked his head when Daichi snapped.

 

“I told you, you should take care of it a few days ago because I was too busy with other stuff! Must I always be the responsible one?!” He said now in a harsher tone.

_Why am I so stupid? Why can’t I be someone who doesn’t make Daichi angry all the time? Someone who can make him smile?_

 

“I’m sorry Daichi. I-” He threw up. Disgusted by the sight, Daichi stood up.

 

“I do everything I can for you and this is how you thank me? I should just grab my stuff and go already!” With that said, he stormed off, leaving an appalled Koushi alone.

 

Suddenly the tiny apartment began to feel much bigger than it was and Koushi began to feel unbelievably small. He cleaned up the mess he had made and put the remaining food carefully into the fridge.  He sat down at the table again and didn’t move an inch, waiting for Daichi to return, like he used to do, years ago.

 

He said that he wanted Daichi to leave but now that he had left, he felt very uneasy. Would Daichi really leave him like he said? That was good, wasn’t it? That was what he wanted. Wasn’t it? His head hurt so much, he couldn’t think straight. When Daichi wasn’t there anymore he could, he could, he didn’t know what he could do. What could he do? He couldn’t go back to work, he already resigned. He couldn’t stay in his apartment, his contract expired this week.  He didn’t know what to do. But Daichi knew for sure. He always knew what to do. Daichi had to tell him what to do. That is why Daichi couldn’t leave him.

 

 _I hope he comes back soon. Should I make some tea for him? Better not. Maybe I could cook something for him? No, that would probably not go well._ Oh, he knew. He could book a moving van like Daichi told him to. But what if he messed up again? It was better when Daichi ordered one. His eyes were glued on the clock. With every second that passed, he grew more and more insecure. He needed Daichi to be with him; otherwise he wouldn’t be able to handle anything in his life.

 

It was dark when he returned.

 

“Hey, what are you doing here sitting all alone in the living room with the lights turned off?” Daichi turned the lights on and Koushi tried to shield his eyes from the sudden light. “Why didn’t you finish packing?” He looked down at Koushi with a sullen face.

 

“You don’t want to move right? That is why you try everything to stall it.”

 

“No, no Daichi that is not...” Koushi desperately tried to toss in just to be silenced by Daichi’s hand immediately.

 

“I’m talking right now Koushi. Doing things like this, makes me feel very ignored, I hope you understand that.”

 

“I won’t do it anymore. I’m sorry Daichi, also about before.”

 

“Before?” Daichi raised an eyebrow in question.

 

“For not booking the van for the move.”

 

“Why would you have to book a van? I already took care of that a week ago.”

 

“Huh?” Did Koushi hear right? “But you, you were angry I didn’t do it and...”

 

“I don’t remember that, you must have dreamt it.”

 

“You said I’m irresponsible and then you just left saying you maybe won’t come back anymore.” Koushi’s voice was high pitched, full of guilt and sadness.

 

“Koushi, I never said that. I went out to buy some bread. Here look.” A bag was hold before Koushi eyes, apparently filled with bread.

 

Koushi was internally screaming. _This can’t be. Daichi did say those things. He lied. He lied straight into my face right now_. _Didn’t he? No?_ His body started shivering faintly. Was he starting to hallucinate? Maybe his head really took a blow too much this time.

 

 

 

With his eyes opened, Koushi lay in his bed, refusing to sleep. He was just so confused about everything. As if he was losing it. His eyes started to hurt but he didn’t want to close them. After a while he couldn’t hold them open anymore and started to glimpse heavily. Even doing a simple ting like holding his eyes open was beyond his abilities, sighing, he stood up.

 

The apartment was awfully quiet. He looked at his phone out of a habit, seeing that he got a mail from one of his students. He couldn’t suppress a short glimmer flashing in his eyes. The one thing in his life that had kept him going and protected him from a complete breakdown was being a teacher. Two years ago, instead of dwelling in self-pity and mourning because of his broken relationship, he channeled all of his energy into finishing his study, the one he had been abandoned in favor of Daichi. Working with all those wonderful, young people had given him the strength he needed to go on with his life.

 

The worried mail was wishing him to get well soon, accompanied by the question if he was coming tomorrow to school to build the photo booth for the school’s upcoming open day. His class had been overly excited that they were allowed to turn their classroom into a small café with the small gimmick of letting the customer take a photo. He couldn’t let his students down. Miraculously he could feel the ache in his head going away and with new found energy he started to pack some things he would definitely need for tomorrow’s built up.

 

“What are you doing Koushi?” A sleepy voice called out. Koushi stopped midway in his motion, turning his head to see Daichi mustering him with a concerned look.

 

“Are you trying to leave me again?” The sound of his darkened voice tingled in his ears, setting alarm sirens through his whole body. He stood up immediately getting hold of Daichi’s hand, dragging him down to let him inspect his bag.

 

“I won’t leave you Daichi. See? This is stuff for tomorrow’s class.” Daichi was going through the things with an illegible mimic but his body language gave away that he was far more relaxed than before.

 

“You already handed it in your resignation a week ago, I don’t see why you would need to go to school anymore.”

 

“My last work day is on Friday. It’s written in my contract.”

 

“Just tell them you’re ill.” Koushi was done with talking back at Daichi but he felt that he had to go to school tomorrow to not completely go insane.

 

“Please Daichi, can, can I go to school tomorrow?”

 

 _Oh no. Don’t cry._ But of course he couldn’t _._

 

“Stop crying. You are a man aren’t you? Just be back on time.” Rubbing his eyes, Daichi went back to sleep.

 

 

 

 

It was Thursday and Oikawa was worried sick. Koushi hadn’t been at school yesterday and he honestly didn’t suspect him to be there after the state he was in on Tuesday night. He died to call him or drive to his place to check up on him but he was concerned about what his not sane boyfriend would do. _If he doesn’t show up tomorrow I’ll call the police_ , he said to himself.

 

His heart started to hurt in his chest at the sight of Koushi in the teacher’s lounge. He was looking better than on Tuesday but still not very healthy. He didn’t waste any time to approach him.

 

“Can we talk?” He managed to say in the calmest way he was able to do.

 

“I have no time today Tooru.” Koushi’s back was turned to him and he didn’t even look up while speaking. Oikawa leaned over to Koushi’s ear, whispering in such a shallow tone only he could understand.

 

“You know I can be an asshole when I have to be, that is why I ask you again politely if we can talk.” He didn’t like to be mean to Koushi but there seemed to be no way around it.

 

A short time passed and he could see that the nosy glances of his colleagues were getting under Koushi’s skin. Koushi stood up and went out the room filled leaving behind puzzled faces, Oikawa following him. He opened one of the rooms usually used for counselling sessions, letting Oikawa in first.

 

Koushi still didn’t look up and didn’t speak a word. He was just standing in the room, lost, looking unbelievable sad.  It made Oikawa’s heart almost break.

 

“Did you see a doctor?” With his eyes closed Koushi turned his head slowly from side to side.

 

“Did you eat and sleep?” His question was again answered with a shake of the head.

 

“Can you look me in the eyes at least?” Koushi didn’t know why Oikawa wanted to talk to him. He wanted to get over with it as soon as possible. He was too ashamed to meet his eyes.

 

“Every time I close my eyes I remember the punch he gave you, making you fall down the floor bleeding and I worry you'll get hurt again." Koushi looked up, confusion and fear in his eyes. _Oh, Koushi._ Oikawa hold out a hand to touch his face but Koushi turned away from the touch, flinching. He balled his hand into a fist, cursing internally.

 

“He is not good for you Kou-chan.” _Stop it Tooru._

_“_ He is an abusive asshole.” _Just don’t Tooru, please._

 

“He is getting off by dominating other people.”

 

“You have no right to talk about him like that! You know nothing about him!” Koushi screamed at him. Oikawa was a bit taken aback by Koushi’s sudden outburst but countered immediately with a question.

 

"Are you okay with him hitting you?"

 

Koushi’s face started to burn adding to the uncomfortable situation. Oikawa’s question left him for a complete loss for words. He felt like he wanted to cry and his eyes started to sting. It was horrific and suddenly he remembered a conversation with his father about his opinion that same sex relationships were never supposed to work out in the end. And certainly they were not supposed to end up in happiness. He didn’t know what to do and just sank deeper and deeper into the desk he was now leaning on, feeling like a mute.

 

“Don’t you see how he messed with your head? Maybe this time he really managed to damage your brains two days ago. Because that is the only reason you are acting this dull and naive."

 

These kinds of remarks and questions made Koushi feel more and more uncomfortable and he didn’t know how to react to them. He knew he was too weak to leave Daichi and he would rather die than admit that to anybody.

 

“You need to leave him. Pack your things and go.”

 

“It’s not…”, he started slowly trying to work up the courage to speak with his friend about the situation, he had never spoken with someone before about “as simple as that _Tooru_.”

 

“Then tell me what’s so hard about that because I honestly don’t understand.”

 

“What do you care?” He looked at Oikawa coldly, making him shut his loud mouth for once. “This has nothing to do with you, so stop messing with my life!” Oikawa who had kept his distance was now grabbing Koushi’s shoulders firmly with his hands, applying some more pressure to them with every word he said.

 

“You are my friend and I’m worried about you because you don’t look well. And I care about you. I deeply do.” Oikawa was now touching his cheek affectionately, a gesture not appropriate when you yourself declared to be just a friend.

 

He was leaning in closer and Koushi freezed. _Are you sure you never encouraged him in any way? Or can you honestly say that he never tried to get close to you, or tried touching you?”_

 

He shoved Oikawa away, disgusted. Why the hell did Koushi bring Oikawa in this unpopulated room? What was he thinking encouraging Oikawa touching him like this? Daichi had been right, Oikawa didn’t just want to be his friend.

 

“Oh, you are my _friend_?”

 

“Yes, I am. May I ask what’s the deal with the malicious undertone tone in your voice Kou-chan?”

 

“You sure, you don’t just want to fuck me?”

 

Oikawa just glared at him, being completely speechless for the second time in his life by his friend’s vulgar bluntness.

 

“Should we go over with it right now, so each of us can move on not concerning himself with the other anymore?” Without a second thought he reached for Oikawa’s shirt, starting to unbutton it. Oikawa shocked by surprise grabbed his hands trying desperately to stop his intention.

 

“Stop it Koushi! Are you out of your mind?!” Their struggle ended with Koushi losing his balance and landing on his butt. He started to grin like a maniac resting his head in his hands.

 

“I guess I am. I know that he hurts me and will keep hurting me. I know that my relationship with him is neither safe nor healthy but despite all that I still love him. I must be strange right?” He looked up and saw the pity in Oikawa’s eyes. It was unbearable.

 

“This love is not right Kou-chan.” Koushi vision turned black for a moment. He could literally see how his world was being shattered into pieces. He felt embarrassed and awkward. “This is no-…”

 

“You told me loving is never wrong.” Oikawa’s heart sank, looking at Koushi’s face as he spoke those words. Koushi misunderstood him. It’s not wrong to love but this kind of love just can’t be considered as love. He wanted to explain it but Koushi already had left the room.

 

 

 

 

Koushi was grateful that Oikawa hadn’t followed him. Oikawa’s words kept repeating in his mind. _This love is not right Kou-chan_. _You must be ill my son, saying you are loving another man. This love is not…_ “Sensei, we are out of screws.”

 

Koushi turned around to see one of his students holding an empty box before him. The booth was almost finished, they had been able to build the thing in no time. He was about to leave the room when he saw that his students were using chairs to attach some decorations.

 

“Maki-chan don’t stand on the chair, it’s dangerous because you could fall down easily. I’ll get a ladder and screws. Wait for me. I’ll be back in a minute.”

 

 

 

Koushi was in the teacher’s lounge to get the screws he bought in reserve when one of his colleagues called over. “Sugawara-san, could you spare a minute or two?” He could, he replied.

 

“Did you finished writing the reports I had put you on?” Koushi had totally forgotten about the reports and admitted it right away. “I didn’t think you would be one to slack off and postpone every little thing. Can you finish them by next week?”

 

“Yes, of course I…” The door was torn open and the class representative of Koushi’s class cried breathless for help.

 

“Sugawara-sensei! Kaori-chan felt down and hurt herself!”

 

 

 

They had to call an ambulance in the end. The girl had her arm broken and now Koushi was in a conversation with her enraged mother.

 

“Tell me how could this have happened?”

 

“Mrs. Maki maybe you should calm down a bit and then we talk. We could even postpone this conversation, I’m sure you would rather be with your daughter.”

 

“Are you even a teacher?”

 

“Pardon me?”

 

“Look at you. Bruised and run down. What kind of teacher are you?” Each word stung like a needle into his heart.

 

“What kind of model are you for your students? I never would have entrusted my child to your care if I would have seen you beforehand. What kind of school is that, letting teachers like you working here?!” Her shrill voice hurt Koushi’s ears.  He was feeling like his mind left his body, now looking at the scene from a side view. There he was beaten up, sleep driven, and next to him a worried, angry mother. The headmaster who was sitting with them was now trying to calm the angry mother down. The conversation ended a short while later with Koushi stating that the mother will not have to worry anymore of him being a teacher here because he already resigned.

 

Koushi needed to be alone right now. But where should he go to? He couldn’t go home. Daichi was there. And the school was full of people and he definitely didn’t want to meet Oikawa by chance. He decided on a restroom in the science oriented division, which was in the process of rebuild.

 

He entered the restroom, thankfully empty, and was standing in front of one of the mirrors taking a few deep breaths. He splashed a bit of water on his face to calm himself down, without success. Behind the locked stall door he started to cry. _When did I become this pathetic?_ He didn’t know how much time passed by until someone else strayed in the restroom. After taking a few careful steps inside the room, a far too familiar voice called out for him.

 

“Hello? Is someone in there? Is everything all right?”

 

 _Oh no, out of all people it had to be Tooru._ Koushi hold his breath trying to hide his presence but it was useless, Oikawa already had heard that someone was in here, hiding.

 

“Koushi is that you?” _Just go away. Go away._

 

“Nobody wears shoes like that except for you.” In a useless attempt he held his feet up. “Do you need help?” Koushi tried to get his voice working.

 

“What are you doing here?”

 

“One of the youngsters told me, he heard some weird noises coming from the toilet but he was too afraid to check it out by himself. He told me and here I am. Are you coming out now or what?” He was lightly knocking on the door stall Koushi was in.

 

“No, I want to be alone. Please go.” Koushi was leaning against the stall door with his weight to keep it from opening. He could hear Oikawa’s feet pawing the ground nervously, being hesitant to oblige.

 

 

 

“I will leave you alone,” Koushi sighed with relief “but before I do that, I need to tell you something. I wanted to do that face to face but, whatever.” He was taking in a deep breath in, Koushi could hear.

 

“I am very so-, sorry for all the things I said to you. There is no excuse for such a behavior and I overreacted, in, in the worst way.  I-, I did hurt you and you didn’t deserve that.”

 

“Are you stammering?”

 

“Just listen to me okay? This isn’t easy for me either. There isn’t such a thing as a perfect relationship and I understand that you love him. It is difficult for me to understand bt I'll try, and your feelings aren't strange and they aren’t wrong. Love isn’t something that just disappears overnight but he doesn’t treat you well Kou-chan, and I’m concerned about him hurting you. I am really scared right now because of losing you.”

 

_He is scared? Oikawa Tooru is scared because of him?_

 

“You are scared?“ Koushi had opened the door slightly and Oikawa took a few steps back. “Because of me? Why? I am nothing. I am looser, a weakling, a..”

 

“That’s not true Koushi! You are the kindest person I have ever met and I am scared of never being able to speak with you again because of your _boyfriend._ But I don’t want to talk about him right now, except for, you want to. What I want to is to talk about you. What happened Kou-chan making you hide in there?”

 

“One of my students broke his arm today. It’s all my fault.”

 

“How is this your fault?”

 

“It happened while I was gone to get something from the teacher’s lounge. I shouldn’t have left. I am such a bad teacher. You know being a teacher was the one thing in my life I took pride and worth in. And now I can’t do it anymore, I…”

 

“It wasn’t your fault. Even if you were there, it probably would have happened. Bad things happen Kou-chan and you can’t do anything about it. What is important is how you deal with the bad things in your life. So what did you when it happened?”

 

“I called an ambulance. Her parents. Got the other students out of the room and tried to calm her until she was being treated and…”

 

“See, you are a capable teacher, don’t let anyone tell you otherwise. Everyone I talked about you says so too. Teachers and students alike. You are a good teacher Koushi. Do you even know how much your students respect you? Now you just need to end things with Daichi and everything will turn all right.”

 

There was an awkward long silence.  

 

“I don’t think so. I am not leaving him Tooru. I can’t.”

 

“But he is..”

 

“You always think you know what is the best, but I tell you what, you don’t. Don’t judge people you don’t know. Daichi wasn't always like this. Besides, there need to be at least two people to form a relationship. I am also not a saint. I often do mistakes which upset him. I am as much to blame as him for the state we are in now."

 

"So you admit that it does bother you what he is doing?"

 

"I will stay with Daichi. If you can’t accept that, than, than it’s better if we won’t see each other again, I think.” With that he was gone.

 

Koushi was treating him like he was the bad guy. His pride was hurt. He kicked one of the stall doors angrily, but it only ratted back at him. _God, this was all so damn frustrating. Fine, let him be. Should he get happy with that asshole._ He didn’t care anymore.

 

It sure did hurt, losing a friendship like that.


	9. Chapter 9

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Koushi is completely devastated, he doesn't know anymore what he is supposed to do.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Enjoy! :)

The slightly aggressive knocking on the door let Koushi sit up straight. After his unsuccessful attempt to be alone at school he had gone straight home to be back in time. The conversation or more the argument he had with Tooru had left him with the feeling of being a total fool. To avoid Daichi he had locked himself in the bathroom like the coward he certainly was.

 

“Koushi, what did I tell you about locking the door?” Koushi inhaled sharply. It was strange in the past he thought he was much more strong and confident than he was now. Right now he was a so much weaker version of himself only being held in place by Daichi.

 

“I’m sorry I forgot,” Koushi said with in a remorseful tone. The door lock opened with a click and Daichi was stepping inside. “I just wanted to take a quick shower Daichi.” Koushi was getting a towel out of the shelves, when Daichi turned him around gently, leaving him exposed to his piercing glances. His chin was being held up high and hold in place by a firm grip.

 

“Your eyes are red. Why did you cry?” Daichi asked with a frowned look on his face and Koushi finding the courage to look the man, who had held his heart captive for the past few years, directly into the eyes to find, surprisingly, sincere concern in them.

 

So he told him. Not everything though, he was smart enough not to mention the name Oikawa Tooru. Finished with his story, Koushi held his breath, waiting for Daichi to say something. Anything. But he didn’t. Did Koushi explain everything in a far too messed up way? Had Daichi even been listening properly? Koushi had started counting the tiles on the wall, when Daichi finally spoke up.

 

“I told you not to go, didn’t I? See what happened? You have to admit I was right.” Koushi’s sadness was met with disdain. “Maybe she was right saying you are not suited being a teacher. I hope you learned your lesson.”

 

The easily spoken words shook Koushi’s mental state to its core. Under the shower he tried to scrub off Daichi’s words of his skin, but it was too late, the self-doubts were already injected into his veins draining him of his identity he had tried to build up with all his might two years ago.

 

His heart was confused. How could the person, who told him constantly that he loved him, hurt him so much?

 

_See, you are a capable teacher, don’t let anyone tell you otherwise._

_You are a good teacher Koushi._

Oikawa’s words reverberated in Koushi’s head. _Now you just need to end things with Daichi and everything will turn all right._ Tooru is right. _I love you Koushi_. It’s as simple as that. _You promised me you’ll never leave me._ He could just walk out of the door of his apartment and…

 

“Koushi!”

 

His lover had taken far too much time for his liking for just taking a quick shower, leaving Daichi with the need to check if everything was all right. Opening the bathroom door he didn’t expect to discover Koushi cowering on the floor naked and still wet from the shower, scratching his arms to the point of bleeding.

 

“What’s gotten into you?!” There was panic in his voice, which had gotten just an octave higher and he grabbed Koushi’s arms to stop him from injuring himself more than he already had.

 

“I’m sorry…,” Koushi said starring past Daichi.

 

“What for? For being that stupid to harm yourself? “

 

“I’m sorry,” his lover said again, voiceless.

 

 _Was Koushi this sad because of that stupid accident at school? He really should quit being a teacher, if that’s the case._ “You can’t help what happened, hear me?” He said loudly, almost comfortably with a slight shaking in his voice. Taking a towel out of the shelf he tried to stop the bleeding.

 

_What a mess._

 

“Sorry.” He didn’t want to hear Koushi apologizing anymore, annoyed he let out a snarl.

 

Koushi tensed remarkably, when Daichi touched him. His body reacted, but his mind seemed to be far away. He had the same dead look in his eyes like he had two years ago. _Not again_. Daichi slapped him. Stunned by the sudden rage Koushi looked up at Daichi as if finally acknowledging his presence.

 

Daichi looked down at Koushi, who had now his eyes shut firmly, clearly in pain. Koushi’s slapped cheek got redder and redder within every second that passed as if mocking him. Mocking him to the point of getting angry, but he wasn’t angry at Koushi, not this time no, he was angry at himself because he still was not able to keep his temper.

 

Koushi was filled with fear, shock and overwhelming shame. The man he loved, whose regard for him was the most important thing in the world, was looking at him with….contempt. Daichi’s eyes were unforgiven, full of anger. Koushi wanted this ugly moment come to an end. He wanted to make the hurt and fear and humiliation go away.

 

“I, I didn’t meant it! I don’t know what’s gotten into me!” Daichi was stammering, still feeling the warmth of the slap in his open palm.

 

It wasn’t even anger he had felt, but fear. Fear of losing Koushi again to a world he was clearly kept out from. He was frightened of Koushi going back to the state he was in two years ago, this merely shadowlike state where he never could reach him. He needed to get him back into the here and now and the only idea he had been slapping him.

 

“You know how much I love you.” Teary eyes were begging for forgiveness. “When I’m scared I lose all reason, you know that. You were gone. I don’t want you to be gone.” The desperation in Daichi’s _voice_ twisted Koushi’s heart, shaming him for his lack of consideration.

 

“Fuck.” Rubbing his eyes Daichi went out of the bathroom just to come back shortly with a pack of bandages. ~~~~

_What is that feeling making my heart ache so much?_ Koushi looked at Daichi, who after treating his self-inflicted wounds was now carefully drying his skin with an already wet towel _. Is it sympathy?_ He could hear Daichi swallowing hard trying not to break into tears. _Or is love? True love? Puppy love? I don’t know what kind of feelings I have towards him anymore_.  He was about to sunk deep in his thoughts, when a hand was laid down slowly on his bruised cheek as if he was made out of glass.

 

“You’re freezing cold.” Koushi felt ashamed for not being happy. Putting his own hand on Daichi’s from preventing him to take his hand back he whispered.

 

“Then warm me.” Koushi tried to let words sound seductive by speaking every syllable slowly and with care, his voice deep resonating in his chest. _Make me forget._ Koushi leaned into Daichi, yearning to be touched. He knew he would regret doing such a thing, but that would happen tomorrow. And now wasn’t tomorrow.

 

“Are you sure?” Daichi looked at him concerned, not very convinced by the words Koushi had uttered. _I am not, but I don’t care_. He couldn’t feel any more miserable than he was feeling right now. A hand was placed on the back of Daichi’s head and then another, trying to pull Daichi down to him.

 

“You are not thinking rational Koushi. I won’t do anything. You should go to bed and rest.” Daichi was putting down Koushi’s hands, holding them in place. “You are hurt.” In response Koushi  was bending forward licking Daichi’s lips.

 

“I’ll go to bed, when you are coming with me.” Koushi purred. _You are not gonna deny me this Daichi._

 

Unsatisfied with the lack of reaction he got, he started kissing Daichi’s throat, when Daichi opened his mouth to protest again, he slipped his tongue in, eager to taste him. He could feel Daichi’s hesitation whether to kiss him back or not, but Daichi’s previously resolve of not touching him melted within seconds. He had his hands now in Koushi’s hair. Unrelenting his tongue searched for Koushi’s. He continued kissing him deep and hard and Koushi felt like he was being devoured by him. Koushi’s cheeks started to heat up and the only thing he could think of was how good it felt to be kissed and to be wanted. 

 

 

 

The next time Koushi opened his eyes he was facing a muscled chest in his cramped bed. _Daichi still must do workouts for being in shape like that,_ Koushi assumed, tempted to touch the well-defined muscles with his fingers. Coated in Daichi’s familiar scent, he was surprised to not feel any shame or guilt at all for what he had done.

 

 _Is he still sleeping?_ Suga sneaked a peek at Daichi’s face, seeing that his eyes were open studying him silently. _How long had he been asleep?_

 

“Hey,” was the only word he was able to form with his mouth.

 

His former volleyball captain didn’t say anything in return and Koushi wondered if he even had heard him. He just kept starring at him with those eyes that did not convey any emotion at all, making him doubt if they really slept together and suddenly Koushi felt very, very lost.  

 

Getting up wordlessly Daichi made his way to the bathroom, leaving a bewildered Koushi behind. With his head resting in his pillow he looked up at the ceiling, bright from the morning sunrays, letting out a heavy sigh. What exactly had he hoped for? For Daichi to be returning to his old charming self like some kind of miracle? For him to say sorry? To say he is a good teacher? Burying his face into his pillow he tried to adjust his breath. He felt absolutely miserable. His own powerlessness against Daichi made him feel so small and pathetic. Feeling crushed he buried himself deeper into his pillows hoping to simply vanish from this world.

 

 

 

 

Blowing into his whistle Oikawa ended today’s volleyball training. He was satisfied with the development of the team secretly thinking that they might stand a chance to get into this year’s school tournament’s final round. He was about to store away the volleyballs when two second years approached him.

 

“Coach Oikawa is it true that Sugawara sensei resigned?”

 

His feet couldn’t move fast enough to reach the teacher’s lounge to get confirmed what he had been asked by the second years.

 

“My, my, it’s true Oikawa-san. Such a shame he was always very considerate of everyone.”

 

“Weren’t you on good terms with each other? It surprises me he didn’t inform you himself.” The two female teachers he inquired about Koushi’s leave seemed to be as surprised as him at his friend’s sudden resignation.

 

He got his mobile phone out of his pocket, his finger hovering over the call button of Koushi’s profile. _Stupid. That doesn’t concern you at all, stop sticking your nose into Koushi’s business_. Scolding himself Oikawa made his way to his car wishing he was already home to let the day find a comfortably end.

 

Koushi had made it very clear that he didn’t want to have any help. Even when Oikiawa expressed his worries he simply shook his head saying everything was fine and this helluv pissed Oikawa off. He was so annoyed.

 

Oikawa was about to turn his keys when he got a call from his best friend. Unsure if he should take it or not he simply looked at the display his mouth twitching. Inhaling deeply he slid his finger over the button.

 

“Good evening Iwa-chan ~ ♫ How may I help you today?“

 

“How about telling me what’s been bothering you the last few days?”

 

“Ehh? I don’t know what you are talking about I’m perfectly fine as ever ♪.”

 

“Oh, sure. You haven’t called me for days Shittykawa whereas you usually get on my nerves before sunrise telling me shit like what kind of socks you decided wearing or that Polar bears are left-handed. Now tell me what’s wrong?”

 

“Nothing is wrong.”

 

“Must be pretty serious then, huh?”

 

_Stupid best friend reading me like an open book._

“Kou-chan quit his job.”

 

“Go on.”

 

“Without counseling me.”

 

“So?” There was a short pause and Iwaizumi could hear his friend taking a deep breath before continuing.

 

“A child broke his arm while Kou-chan was in charge and of course the kindhearted, but self-doubting person he is, he blamed himself for it, even though it definitely hadn’t been his fault but the worst thing is we had an ugly dispute yesterday.”

 

_Because he is living together with an asshole, who is abusing constantly him to the point of him being in need of hospital treatment._

 

“You mean you had a fight?”

 

“If you want to call it that, yes, we had a fight and this time it wasn’t completely my fault just to make that clear Iwa-chan.” There was a meaningful pause at the other end of the line.

 

“I can hear you rolling your eyes you meanie. Anyway, we weren’t able to resolve this conflict and it ended with him suggesting we should have a friend break-up. And now I’m probably never seeing him again since he resigned. End of story.”

 

“And you are okay with leaving things unfinished like that?”

 

“Of course not! But it doesn’t matter what I do, he keeps pushing me away. He doesn’t want me to be his friend anymore. He was very clear about that.”

 

“Since when have you become the type, who gives up that easily? Toss your hurt pride aside for once and go talk to him again.”

 

“It’s complicated Iwa-chan. He has some other issues going on too.”

 

“Nothing is easy in life, but you are smart and therefore able to figure something out because he is more than a friend to you, isn’t he?””

 

There was again a pause nobody wanted to fill.

 

“It doesn’t matter what I want or think.”

 

“You see,” hearing the tired voice of his best friend Oikawa knew it had been a rough day for him as well,” I think it does. If he is really like you describe him he is though. Honestly Tooru,” Oikawa could literally see Iwaizumi massaging his eyes while speaking, “It’s thanks to him that you became kind of bearable. Is there really nothing you can do for him? Are you just going to silently watch him leave like that?”

 

“Thank you.”

 

“Uhh, I don’t want to hear that, makes you sound like some alien. Treat me to sushi, when you are coming over for a visit. The expensive sort of course.“

 

The phone call of Iwaizumi had made it clear to Oikawa that he couldn’t be angry at Koushi. Not for long at least. He would always forgive him instantly, no matter how much he had been hurt.

 

Oikawa couldn’t believe that he had driven to Koushi’s place after the conversation he had with Iwaizumi.  The night breeze was blowing against him and his feelings weighed upon him as he was leaning against his car looking up at his friend’s apartment.

_I drove all the way here, but I’m clueless after all. It’s no use._

Being here made him feel like a stalker and getting embarrassed at this realization he got into his car and wanted to drive home, when it occurred to him that maybe there was at least something he could do for his friend: telling him that he would be there for him no matter what.

 

 

 

It was already evening and Koushi was caught up in nostalgic memories looking at the emptied apartment. _Tomorrow I’ll be gone. Just like that. No one cared anyway._ A sad smile appeared on his face. The beeping sound his phone was making pulled him out of his thoughts. _Who was messaging him at this hour?_ He looked at the display curiously showing a voicemail sign accompanied by the letters Oikawa Tooru. He went out of the balcony hiding from Daichi and pushed the play button almost immediately, when stepping out.

 

“Uhm, Kou-chan?”Hearing Oikawa’s voice sounding this insecure was still something new to him.

 

“I don’t know if you ever going to hear this message, but I thought I would be more lucky , if I make a voice recording and send it to you, rather than giving you a call you would surely ignore. Which is by the way a really mean thing to do.”

 

The guilt washed over Koushi for he knew Oikawa was right.

 

“I just learned that you handed in your resignation and I hope that the reason was not yesterday’s accident resulting in you believing that you are not cut out to be a teacher. If so then stop beating yourself up about that Koushi. You don’t need to prove yourself to anyone because you already are one of the most loved and respected teachers by your students.”

 

As hurting as Daichi’s words had been as healing were Oikawa’s. Holding his breath Koushi couldn’t believe how easily he felt better. There was a long pause in the voicemail message and Koushi thought that maybe Oikawa had forgotten to press the end button, when his friend’s warm voice started speaking again.

 

“You said to me that, if I couldn’t accept your relationship with Daichi, it would be better to stop being friends, but the thing is Koushi…I want to be your friend. That is why I will not judge you anymore and I will not say anything anymore regarding this topic, simply because I don’t want to stop seeing you and talking with you.  Please just let me be there for you.”

 

_Tooru…_

 

“I was so worried seeing you getting weaker and weaker with each day, that is why I think if you could share some of your burden with me wouldn’t it make yours lighter? That’s what friends are for, right? Really Kou-chan, from the bottom of my heart I wish you nothing but happiness. You deserve to be happy and you deserve to be loved.”

 

Koushi could feel a lump forming in his throat. _Honestly, just what…_

 

“I want you to smile Koushi.”

 

His back facing the window Koushi looked up at the night sky. Those words were shaking him from the inside, waking him up from his trance like state he had been in the last few weeks.

 

“So please text me back, or call me back or whatever, and if it is just to say me a final goodbye, it doesn’t matter, but please do, otherwise I’ll get worried and one last thing, than I finally stop this pathetic jabbering……. I don’t want you to vanish Kou-chan. ”

 

 

 

 

His eyes now closed Koushi inhaled the cold breeze. He was deeply ashamed of his behavior against Oikawa. Opening his eyes, he looked into Daichi’s face.

 

“What are you doing out here Koushi? Who did you talk to?”

 

“Let’s get in Daichi, I’m freezing.”

 

The last days Koushi had been paralyzed with doubt, it took him almost losing the last truly friendship he had to see how scared he was, to realize how his sense of self had disappeared. There was no deep attachment or yearning affection for Daichi anymore.

 

“Daichi I can’t do this anymore.” Holding his arms, ignoring the stinging of his wounds, Koushi faced Daichi, who didn’t respond anything in return.

 

 “We will keep hurting ourselves to the point of total destruction, if we stay the way we are. Together.” He could hear Daichi inhaling sharply at his words.

 

“I want you to be happy, but I can’t make you happy, I’m sorry, so please Dai...” his voice got swallowed for a moment by his fear, but despite of being afraid to speak any further, he continued.

 

“If you truly love me let me go.”

 

There was a deep laughing to be heard coming from Daichi., who was tugging at his earlap, something he always did, when he felt unsure.

 

“Just tell me one thing Koushi. Did you came to that conclusion before or after you slept with me? Was this just a joke to you? Yeah?”

 

“No, Daichi this..”

 

“You promised!” Daichi started yelling letting a shiver run down Koushi’s spine. “Didn’t you promise me you wouldn’t leave me? Never?” This malicious voice was like a cursed tune preventing Koushi from moving a single muscle of his body.

 

“So you are trying to escape from me again? Too bad, I won’t let you go.” And with that he got hold of Koushi’s left hand pulling him towards him in a rough manner.

 

“Didn’t you say you belonged to me? Well, I knew all along that deep down you always hated me since I’m only capable of tying you down trough violence, but the thing is you belong to me.”

 

“Don’t do this Daichi.” Koushi managed to press out, while trying to get out of Daichi’s more and more increasing pressure on his arm. _My arm._ _It’s going to break._

 

"Nobody will ever love you as much as I do." Daichi spit the words out like fire trying to hurt Koushi in all possible ways.

 

"Nobody else knows how you need to be treated and if you are being honest, the truth is we really need each other."

 

“No! No, let go. I’m going!”

The level of violence that night was like nothing Koushi had ever experienced. The pair struggled in the living room and fell in a heap onto the floor, a burst of searing pain shot up Koushi's back; he could barely move. He was in such agony.

“I definitely won’t let you go.” And with that Daichi put both of his hands around Koushi’s delicate neck and began to strangle and smother him. Koushi was scared to death and sick to his stomach. With his last strength he grabbed Daichi’s arms and scratched them, but Daichi didn’t seem to be affected by it at all, his gaze was this of a mad one.

 _Why?_ Why hadn’t he left immediately?

 

Because it had hurt him so much to see that the person he had loved with all his heart had transformed into someone he should hate and the slightest hope of waiting patiently for this person to return to her former self, had made him ignore what Daichi was now and will always be. Closing his eyes, a bodily reaction to the pain, everything around Koushi turned dark and stayed dark as his consciousness faded away.

 

 

 

 

 

He didn’t know how much time had passed, when he had woken up on the floor in his apartment, all alone, without any trace of Daichi and with a feeling like his head was about to explode any second. Koushi’s neck was hurting like hell, ghostly hands still trying to wring it, making it difficult to breathe for him. _I don’t want you to vanish Kou-chan._ Oikawa’s words came to his mind.

 

 _I won’t Tooru_.

 

Despite all the misery he didn’t wanted to give up on live just yet. He could feel words the words energizing his weak body, giving him the strength to stand up and to leave the apartment without casting a glance back. Koushi wasn’t willing to give up his own well-being for a love that did not exist anymore.

 

 _Please just let me be there for you._ Oikawa’s words were serving as a guiding buoy inside the tempest in Koushi’s head. There was pain in every breath he took and he had trouble to focus with his eyes, but he kept walking, shoeless, ignoring all of his surroundings. Good thing it was already dark, transforming him into one of the faceless shadows hiding in the endless streets of Tokyo. Of course there were people looking at his broken figure with big eyes, but they steered clear of him not willing to stir up any trouble.

 

Everything in his mind was blurry and he was astonished to find himself now in front of a grey painted door. Oikawa’s apartment door. No one else except him was on the floor, which was, given the time not all that surprising, but the lifelessness of his surroundings was questioning him, if this was all just a dream.

 

Koushi just needed to reach out his hand to the door and ring the bell to end his nightmare.  So he reached out and…

 

 

_You are tiring me Koushi._

_Faggot._

_Weakling._

_Loser                                            Are you sick? Going out with a man?_

 

_An disappointment that is what you are._

_You are a liar, you promised me to stay with me._

 

_What kind of teacher are you?_

_Retard._

_You are nothing._

 

 

 

he stopped.

 

 

His body was shaking heavily and he kept starring at the door, which maintained its silence in contrast to the shouting voices in his mind.

 

 _What the hell am I doing here?_ He stared at the grey door before him, now unsure what to do. _What is Tooru going to think of me now?_ The lightness he had felt, that took him all the way here, was now gone, reality was weighing down on him, keeping him in place.

 

_What are you doing here Kou-chan? Didn’t you say you never wanted to see me again? Oh, so he hit you again? You are a man aren’t you? Pathetic._

 

His heart was beating out of his chest. He was now afraid of the door, trembling, he took a step back. There it was again the shame. _I did say all those horrible things to Tooru and even told him that I did not want to leave Daichi and now I am standing right before his door, completely broken down. He will be lecturing me, like my dad did.  How could you have a relationship with a man? And an abusive one on top of that?_

Koushi looked down on the floor his eyes fixing the door mat with the inscription “All species welcome”. The door handle began to turn, eyes widening, Koushi took again a few steps back.

 

_No, no, no, nononono._

 

The door opened with a swing and rooted to the spot Koushi couldn’t do anything, but look Oikawa directly into his confused looking chocolate brown eyes.

 

“Kou-chan?” Oikawa said more questioning himself than Koushi.

 

Two heartbeats, three, four.

 

Oikawa was wearing leisure clothes and his glasses. Koushi had always thought that the glasses made Oikawa look intellectual and professional. Giving him some kind of maturity, but right now he was only looking dead tired and exhausted.

 

Oikawa looked at him as if he was a ghost, his eyes blinking not believing that it was Koushi standing before his apartment door. His friend just kept staring at him, frozen in place like he was, mute. The eyebrows on Oikawa’s forehead were knitting together and his eyes were now piercing right through Koushi, revealing to him that something must have happened. Oikawa stayed painfully silent, but the inner voice in Koushi’s mind started to scream.

 

_Oh god no, he hates me. He hates me! Just look at those eyes!_

_Why did I even come here? Stupid!,Stupidstupidstupid._

_I have to tell him that it’s just a misunderstanding. Something like: ”Hey Tooru, I didn’t want to come here, it was just, uhm,  pure coincidence. I’ll be on my way then, bye.”_

 

Koushi felt terrible, but didn’t move. He had nowhere else to go to. _I have no one_. He thought he had Tooru, but he hadn’t. He was all alone.

 

 _Move feet._ He has to go, if he doesn’t want to be hated. Squeezing his eyes shut, a question was forming in his head.

 

Why had he even come here?

 

Because he trusted Tooru. Unconditionally.

 

Koushi’s throat was sore, and his voice scratchy, he didn’t even think that Oikawa could hear him.

 

“I , I, I…” he began stammering.

 

“I, I…..think I need help.”

 

With a loud bang the door was being shut close and Koushi was being dragged into Oikawa’s apartment. Arms were lunged around his abused body with no intention of ever letting him go again. Relieve washed over Koushi that Oikawa hadn’t send him away. He melted into the hug. It was nice. Too nice. With the firm belief he didn’t deserve such an act of kindness, Koushi tried to struggle out of Oikawa’s comforting hug.

 

 

“Let go, don’t…”

 

Both hands pushed against Oikawa’s broad chest, leading only to Oikawa holding Koushi closer.

“Just one minute, please Kou-chan, I need this.”

Koushi stopped struggling and let the hugging happen, which certainly lasted more than a minute, but when Oikawa was able to accept him, even after he saw the worst of him, he was able to endure his poisoned, soothing touch.

 

Oikawa held Koushi’s head tucked under his chin trying to hide and suppress the tears in his eyes from Koushi, who had now buried his face into his right shoulder.

 

On that day that Koushi had stood up for Daichi, he knew that he couldn’t save him. He knew that Koushi would have to take the initiative to leave. That he himself was the only one that could save him.

 

“Did you walk here by yourself?”  He asked the question trying to sound casual. Oikawa wanted to get Koushi to talk, so he started with something simple.

 

“Yeah.”

 

“I guessed so, you are totally frozen. Sit down. I’ll make you the sencha tea you like so much.”

 

Before Koushi could say anything Oikawa had disappeared into the kitchen and not much later the gurgling sound of the water kettle filled the apartment. There were a bunch of sports papers and journals lying around the sofa. On Oikawa’s laptop screen was a volleyball match record set on pause, indicating that it was one of Oikawa’s sleepless nights, where he was wracking his brain about something.

 

“When you said you need help, you meant Daichi am I right?” Turning around Koushi saw Oikawa with two cups of tea in his hand. Instead of answering Koushi admired the sofa cushions.

 

“I’m glad that you came. That was a brave thing to do.” Koushi looked up to Tooru, who tried to smile at him reassuringly.

 

“No, Tooru, it’s not.” He began with a pained expression. “I feel so bad for coming here. It is in the middle of the night and you have work tomorrow. I don’t even know where Daichi is right now and I bet he will get worried sick and angry, when he knows that I’m gone. That I left him finally. I must be such a nuisance to you, such a…”

 

”I told you right?” Oikawa interposed, trying to interrupt Koushi’s self-bashing.  “I’ll always be there for you, when you need me. And I meant it Kou-chan. I was being serious, when I said that I was glad you came. Everyone needs help sometimes, everyone feels like shit sometimes and it’s their privilege to crash their friend’s apartment at whatever time and day in the week. Do you even know how much I did that to Iwa-chan? And I don’t intend on stopping doing that.” Oikawa was now trying to count with his fingers the times, but gave up after he reached the number thirty. “I thought he must hate me by now, but he doesn’t, because we’re friends.”

 

“I just couldn’t be there anymore Tooru, I just couldn’t, it was too much, he...” Koushi hid his face in his hands not being able to talk any further.  Oikawa was drawing soothing circles with his hands around Koushi’s back, feeling his friend’s body slightly trembling trying to hold back his urge to cry.

 

Oikawa hadn’t taken a good look on Koushi before, because he had been just too happy to just see him, but now out of the corner of his eyes Oikawa could see the red marks around his friend’s neck and the bruises on his arms.

 

“You want to tell me what happened?” Pure anger was dwelling up in Oikawa. He didn’t want to hear it to be honest, for he wasn’t sure what he would do if he knew. Koushi slightly shook his head.

 

“Do you want to call the police, or should I call them?”

 

“No, no police.”

 

“But he would deserve it. If he does shit like that, he has to face the consequences. And just you saying you left him doesn’t mean that he will leave you alone for good.”

 

“No Tooru.”

 

“Are you sure?”

 

“I am.” He looked up to Oikawa with determination in his eyes.

 

“What he did to you was not right Koushi. It’s okay to hate him. It’s okay to not let him get off scot-free.”

 

“I know what he did was not right, but I don’t want to hurt him and make him suffer. I don’t want to have feelings of hate towards him, because I’ve never seen that hate caused something good in this world, but…” and here he had to take a short breath, “forgiveness does.”

 

Oikawa knew the moment the words left his friend’s mouth that Koushi really meant what he just said. There was no pretending, no hypocrisy in them. 

 

 _God_. Again Koushi had left Oikawa speechless. He was moved by the deep kindness of his friend. Koushi still wanted the person, who abused him so badly to be happy. He still wanted to protect this person from any dangers and to allay his sorrows and pain.

 

And in this moment Oikawa saw not Koushi’s outwards appearance anymore.  His bruised face, his beaten, malnourished body and his disheveled clothes began to vanish. What was left was his friend himself. Oikawa saw his friend’s whole being and the only words coming to his mind was: beautiful.

 

“Do you know what you want to do then?”

 

“I don’t know. What should I do Tooru?” He was now looking at Oikawa with puppy eyes.” I don’t know, everything is over.”

 

“Nothing is over Koushi.” He spoke to Koushi in a firm voice, holding eye contact. “How about you get some good night sleep? And when you wake up everything will be clearer for you and _not over_. And if you still don’t know by then I can help you figuring out, if you want me to. Sounds good?”

 

“I don’t know” Koushi felt overwhelmed and confused by the decision of what would be the best to do next.

 

“How about going to the hospital to check if your body is okay?”

 

“No, no I don’t want that. They will ask questions.”

“Okay, all right.”

 

It was way past midnight and Oikawa losing to his fatigue had fallen asleep on the sofa. Koushi was sitting on the ground, his back leaned on the sofa, unable to sleep. _I’m sorry Tooru. You must have been really tired._ He looked at Oikawa’s sleeping face and carefully put his glasses away on the table.

 

 

The first thing Oikawa did in the morning was calling his work asking for a few days off. Koushi hadn’t been able to sleep at all, but the adrenaline had long left his system and left only exhaustion.

 

Oikawa ringed on the door, with the hope of not Daichi opening it, because he wasn’t sure if he would be able to keep his emotions under control. Unfortunately the door sprang open and he looked into a pair of dark brown eyes shifting from surprise to pain and from pain to sadness. Daichi looked awful, but he had no sympathy for the man left. He intentionally bumped Daichi ‘s shoulder, when he walked past him, a big sports bag hanging over his right shoulder.

 

It was already past noon but the apartment was still dark with the curtains still not opened. Wasting no time Oikawa filled the bag with clothes, papers and Koushi’s wallet. The rest would come later. Daichi was sitting on the sofa in the living room with glazed eyes staring into the middle distance. When Oikawa was passing him by to get out of the apartment he asked almost shyly.

 

“Is he all right?” Oikawa could feel rage building up in him. He had no right to ask anything about Koushi, not after hurting him so much.  Daichi looked completely devastated and miserable, giving Oikawa at least a little bit of satisfaction.  He was biting his lips remembering what Koushi asked him to do if Daichi asked about him.

                                                                                                                                      

“He is fine, but not thanks to you. And he won’t come back. You should get out here too since it’s not your apartment.” Daichi didn’t show any reaction at all.

 

“’I forgive you, so stop blaming yourself please’, that’s what he told me to tell you.” _Even though you don’t deserve any his kindness._

 

There were sobs coming from Daichi, he was now hiding his face with his hands. Ignoring the other man’s grief Oikawa went out, shutting the apartment door loudly and with that hopefully shutting out this man out of Koushi’s life too.

 

When he went back to his apartment he found Koushi on the balcony enjoying the scenery before him. He called out for him, showing him the sports bag and the food he bought for dinner. Koushi was slightly smiling, and got the table ready for eating.

 

It was hard for Oikawa not to mention his own feelings for him, but the last thing he wanted right now was taking advantage of the fact that his friend was vulnerable. The one thing Koushi needed right now was a good friend and not another lover. So he decided to be just that. He would be everything he needs him to be.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> No real ending without fluff. Only one chapter to go yay!


End file.
